Will and Kate: No More Bedsit for the Governess

Prince William, Duchess Kate, Little Prince G, and the rest of the jolly clan of dramatic Victorian tots are moving into a horrible little outbuilding with a tragic kitchen on Gran’s Windsor property, but they’ve left behind a cherished family member in the cupboard in Norfolk, along with Kate’s frumpy, dumpy old life. Nanny Maria Borrallo will no longer be the live-in help. There’s simply no room in their four-bedroom shanty.

According to People, “The royal couple is keeping Borrallo on as the children’s caretaker, but she is expected to live at another property — as will other staff, such as a housekeeper. It will be a major change for the children, who have had Borrallo living alongside them for eight years.”

Yikes! Couldn’t they build a she-shed for Nanny Borrallo outside of the kids’ bedroom windows? Or, at the very least, install a bunk bed in Charlotte’s room?

As a result of decades’ worth of messaging from major media conglomerates, it is my understanding that British nannies — who are either imbued with some sort of magic, are on the lam from the nunnery, or are anthropomorphized bears in rain jackets — are major figures in our future leaders’ lives. Borrallo has been the backbone for the family, and is often in an old-timey uniform with a tiny bowler hat.

I always thought Kate made her wear that, but apparently it’s a status symbol for the prestigious childcare institute Norland College, where regular old chavs become elite haunted governesses. Norland Nannies are banned from using the word “kids” to describe children.

Without the enrichment of a live-in nanny, I’m worried that Charlotte will no longer be a pleasure to have in class, or that Little Prince G might stop trying to save the elephants with traditional British puddings. What if he’s no longer a tidy boy without her invisible hand cleaning up behind him? This is a grave matter of the utmost concern, one that the Crown would do well to address immediately.