New Sovereign Soft Launching

The Queen is s l o w m o t i o n abdicating

Queen Elizabeth II outlines, 13 November, 2002, the Government's plans for the next year's legislati...

Yesterday, Prince Charles sat in for Mum on a throne made of gold at the House of Lords to open this season of Parliament. He wore a diamond chain and pronounced the word “Covid” like an ancient Briton whose mandible was perfectly preserved in a peat bog. But the papermen of Fleet Street are saying this wasn’t just Charles filling in for Mum as she recovered from a brief, mild case of being dead — this was a soft launch of a new sovereign.

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Ever since Edward VIII gave up the throne for Wallis Simpson, the American mynx purported to be a Nancy Reagan-style BJ queen, the concept of “abdication” remains firm’s worst nightmare.. The prevailing sentiment at the Firm is that a monarch only retires when they die, even if there is no constitutional rule that says this.

So Lil remains the Queen until her corgis meet her at the gates of heaven, but in the meantime she’s going to have Charles do her bidding via the Regency Act. In a piece for the Guardian, Windsor expert Ed Owens writes, “The Queen’s withdrawal from public life has been hastened by medical problems, and the Prince of Wales finds himself regent in all but name.”

The Daily Beast goes a step further, suggesting the Queen may abdicate after the Jubbly, if she makes it to the pudding competition at all. If we’re lucky, she might appear at the Jubbly briefly to offer a flimsy wave on the storied Buckingham balcony that holds the worst vibes and the worst breath in the world.

Convincing rumors swirling around the Palace cafeteria hot bar that it isn’t mobility issues, but heart problems, that are felling the Queen. Beast royal correspondent Tom Sykes writes, “At the palace, there is an increasing sense of readiness for the moment when London Bridge finally falls (“London Bridge is down” is the code phrase that will be used by government and palace officials to signify that the queen has died when the dread day comes).”

Seems a little bit too cutesy of a catchphrase given the severity of the situation, but that’s English gallows humor for you. The London Bridge is a landmark, but the Queen is my beacon, and long may she reign (by hologram if necessary).