Meghan and Harry: The Balcony Can Go Fuck Itself

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LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - JULY 1O: Queen Elizabeth ll, Meghan, Duchess of Sussex and Prince Harry, Du...
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Jubbly Weekend is rapidly approaching, and the updates are constant. Here is the latest.

Eighteen royals will be allowed to stand on the famed Buck House fire escape with Queenie for the Trooping the Color Parade, but Harry and Meghan won’t. Those two never wanted to be on the freaking Jubbly balcony anyway, as sympathetic biographer, Sussex friend, and Yahoo! News “Royal Executive Editor” Omid Scobie writes for Yahoo! News in a stirring op-ed called “The Queen deserves better for her Jubilee than obsessing over family drama.”

Here’s Scobie:

Given the ongoing negative narratives about them in the British press - often spurred on by gossipy palace aides still incandescent about the couple’s decision to leave or speak out - stories about Harry, Meghan and their kids being “DRAMATICALLY CUT” would have probably felt believable to any tabloid reader. As is often the case, the reality is much less severe when you hear that Prince Harry had already spoken with his grandmother about the possibility of not attending Trooping the Colour long before last week's announcements.

Scobie claims a source told him that the Markles were always “keen” to be a part of the Thanksgiving Service for the Queen at St. Paul’s Cathedral, but never wanted to be on the balcony. The Queen’s probably not even going to be on the balcony anyway.

I’m basically Harry and Meghan’s biggest advocate in the press, in that I don’t actively call the Missus an actress who’s better known for the things she does on the mattress on Talk TV’s Piers Morgan Uncensored, but I’ve about had it with these two and their balcony follies. This balcony is becoming the Princess Diana of the Platinum Jubbly, in that her fame is eclipsing that of the woman on whose behalf we’re all trooping that colour — Jemma from Southport and her Platinum Pudding Contest-winning Lemon Swiss Roll and Amaretti Trifle.

At this point, Harry can sit on Meghan’s shoulders beneath a trench coat with Prince Louis’s head sticking out. Do whatever. I just can’t hear another word about it.