King Chahz Expresses Love For That Lil Bitch Harry

Our new King Charles Cocker Spaniel made his first public address to a mourning nation on Friday, fighting back tears as he spoke in his bizarre Edwardian cadence about his darling late mah-MAH, his steadfast wife Camilla, his heir Prince William, and his saddo spare Harry. Phwoar!

In the pre-recorded video, Chahz vowed to devote his life to the nation in the same way the Queen did. Politically, he’s a social conservative, organic farming liberal. Nothing shocking, really, until he invoked Harry, who apparently left his old family behind at Balmoral this morning after a mere 12 hours of hell. In a move that surely sent mouths agape across the nation, Charles expressed his love for Harry and Meghan as they “continue to build their life overseas.”

I think he’s saying that he’s been reading The Montecito Diaries, and he’s chill with the Sussexes and their children (who are now known as Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet) staying over there in sunny California, far away from home, for as long as he shall live, amen. I didn’t think much of Charles III before this, but this barely perceptible dig is some real queen shit. I know Mah-MAH is proud. Finally.

As for the lil binch Harry: I’m genuinely concerned he’s on the verge of a breakdown, so I’ll refrain from adding more commentary on top of the choice words that have already spilled forth from the blathering masses.

Here’s to hoping that Chahz carries that savage spirit through his innumerable conquests as King.