King Charles Crowns Himself King of the Sea to Spite Harry

“King” Charles is not only waging psychological warfare on his spare son Prince Harry. He’s also waging like war war — or at least wants to have the option. According to the Daily Mail, the new sovereign appointed himself as the next Captain General of the Royal Marines – “an honorary military role that had been stripped from the Duke of Sussex [Harry] following Megxit.”

The ceremonial role has been unfilled for over two years. Charles’s self-appointment comes just one day after Prince Harry, the acclaimed Californian memoirist and heir apparent to Joan Didion, announced the audacious title of his book Spare. According to the Mail, Anne the Princess Royal was “tipped for the position,” but Charles wanted it for himself. Maybe it was his Divine Right. More likely, he was being just a lil’ petty.

In a message to the Royal Marines, Charles said, “It is the greatest possible pleasure to assume the role of your Captain General. I am exceptionally proud to follow in the footsteps of so many members of my family over the last three-and-a-half centuries, all of whom held the role with a deep sense of admiration.”

So is the Captain General of the Royal Marines going to be fighting alongside his loyal “commandos” (yikes)? Nah, cool your jets. Though both Charles and Harry have military backgrounds, nobody in that family is really going to see much combat. They’re more the grouse-shooting type. It’s more of a war of attrition w/r/t honorary military titles, with the King wearing Harry down until he loses his will to fight (but gains even more will to produce semi-scripted streaming content overseas).

I have a feeling Harry will be okay though, as long as he isn’t stripped of his NAACP Image Award.