I Gave the Queen's Coffin a Much-Needed Facelift

In the wake of the royal death that produced the busiest and most tragic period yet for our resident royals correspondent (me), watching Prince Andrew — in tails, not military garb, due to alleged pedophilia — push the expired Queen through crowded Scottish intersections on the telly got my blood pressure up. And then it came to me after a long weekend of mourning: What better way to both relax and to honor my fallen Supreme Governor of the Church of England than to design a casket for her, as I once did for the (ever eternal) Olivia Rodrigo? After all, designing caskets for icons is one of my favorite hobbies, one that is always sure to help me unwind.

I powered up my trusty casket customizer of choice, the Titan Casket “design your own” feature. In case you needed a refresher, Titan is a direct-to-consumer coffin start up that Gawker made famous last summer:

Caskets are a significant funeral expense, and Titan promises that if you buy a casket directly from them, the consumer will save up to 85 percent versus buying directly from the old guard at funeral homes. You can either buy the casket and store it yourself, or Titan will allow you to pay now and they’ll send the coffin “at the time of need.”

I spared no expense on the Queen’s direct-to-consumer coffin. I selected the most secure of hardware with a rubber gasket sealer and lock, just in case any grave robber hoping to sneak a peek at the Queen’s bra has any ideas. I also ponied up for a head panel design that says “Mother” on a velveteen rosetan fabric. Very sumptuous.

I thought that Scottish royal banner looked dumpy and wrinkly on top of the Queen’s eternal resting box, but I still wanted to nod to it. She loved Balmoral or whatever. So I chose colors inspired by the flag’s ferocious red lion on a sunny yellow background. Plus, those hues are a bit of a kicky, kitschy throwback! Throw in a lock of the bitch Susan’s hair, Lil’s late husband’s stick, and Andrew’s teddies. Now you’re sleeping sweet, you dear old bag of bones!

All together, my coffin for the Queen cost $1,647. I am fully expecting to be reimbursed by the duchy of Cornwall.