Harry & Meghan Doc Better Show Some Ass After This Week’s Snoozefest

Even a little clavicle would do

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - DECEMBER 06: Meghan, Duchess of Sussex and Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex speak o...
Mike Coppola/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
netflix and shill

The first half of Harry and Meghan’s Netflix series Harry & Meghan premiered to too much fanfare this week. The three episodes were a standard rehashing of Harry and Meghan’s most prominent battle, that against bloggers and celeb journalists. The most bombshell-y of any reveal was that Harry was late to his first date with Meghan at Soho House Toronto. Also, Meghan used to have a Snapchat. Oh, and Harry feels bad about the Nazi thing. Sort of a snooze. (Speaking of, last night I woke up at 3 a.m. to my computer auto-playing a Spanish dub of Meghan’s 2016 film Dater’s Handbook called Manual del Romance. Even in my sleep, they are intrusive.)

I wasn’t the only one yawning — critics were, too. But a low Rotten Tomatoes score apparently isn’t enough to stymy the nosiness of the masses — according to the BBC, Netflix reported that 2.4 million people watched Meghan & Harry on Thursday, which is the biggest single-day audience for any Netflix show (though the streamer only started recording views in October) and “more than double the first-day figure for the latest series of The Crown.” Take that, pah-PAH!

But if Netflix wants to hold onto those ratings, the Fabulous Markle Twins are going to have to share a little bit more of themselves — some ankle here, a bit of neck there. No more anecdotes about first dates or how frigid Kate isn’t fond of PDA (save for that between her and Big Willy’s bum?). In exchange for allowing Harry and Meghan to continue to flounce about as if they are still royals, we the people need the real DIRT!

Luckily, a 30-second trailer at the end of the third episode packs in more intrigue and terror than we’ve seen from anyone associated with this family since the time that Prince Andrew jerked it for two days straight in 1993. Once again, the clip is shot like a teaser for a true crime doc, even though it’s really just about two people in their mid-thirties quitting their jobs.

“This is when a family and a family business are in direct conflict,” Meghan says.

“There was no other option at this point,” a sunburnt Harry says. “I said, ‘We need to get out of here.’”

These confessions seem to indicate that the final batch of episodes will finally be about the insidious nature of the British royal family. The state is presumably stiffening its upper lip in preparation as we write this. Per the Daily Mail, a royal source told The Times that “next week will be poison.” And at least one conservative member of British Parliament is already announcing legislative plans to have Harry and Meghan’s titles stripped from them, according to the Guardian.

“There is a political issue,” MP Bob Seeley said of Harry’s national betrayal. “As well as trashing his family and monetizing his misery for public consumption, he is also attacking some important institutions in this country.” Damn, all that over three hours of television where nothing happens?

Your guess is as good as mine regarding what Meghan and Harry will gin up for the final three episodes. I’m just amazed they’re still talking.