Harry and Meghan's Most Aggrieved Moments Ever

In anticipation of Harry & Meghan, Meghan and Harry’s Netflix global event in which they tell their side of the story again for the first time, it’s important to have some context. Since Megan Markle married into the royal family in May 2018 and resigned along with the red spare in January 2020 in order to have more access to Tyler Perry, the stunning duo have been smeared, shittalked, and to quote Oprah Winfrey, “silenced.”

In order to make sense of what is sure to be an emotionally fraught and justice-driven documentary, here’s a rundown of the key moments in their victimhood:

Child-Sized Pantyhose

A story regarding Princess Charlotte’s bare legs was leaked to a print edition of Tatler in the run-up to Meghan’s wedding. The story was that the former Suits siren made her future sister-in-law Kate Middleton cry over by insisting the little princess shirk royal protocol and not wear tights to Markle’s summer wedding, instead baring her tiny calves for the world to see. Buckingham Palace did not correct the record.

Meghan told Oprah in a bombshell interview that it was actually Kate who made Meghan cry, despite the tabloid stories. As quoted here by Metro UK, Meghan said, “‘It really hurt my feelings. I thought in the context of everything that was going on in those days leading to the wedding, it didn’t make sense, not to be supportive, what with everything that was going on with my dad and everything.”

Wedding Egg Bitch Slap

After the Queen died, a hot bit of gossip from a book called The New Royals by Katie Nicholl surfaced. Nicholls reported on t a wedding menu tasting with Lilibet Sr., during which Meghan and a staffer had a “tense exchange” over a vegan dish that “tasted of egg.”

The Queen allegedly stepped in and said, “Meghan, in this family we don’t speak to people like that.”

That’s rich, coming from the House of Windsor! And also, that tastes of egg!

Bullied Footservants and Housewenches

In 2021, The Times reported that a royal aide named Jason Knauf submitted a formal complaint via email that Meghan had been bullying lackeys since 2018. Two of her personal assistants quit, he alleged, and she was forcing a third into early retirement.

In response, the Palace opened a Queen-funded investigation and promised to publish their findings. Meghan decried this as a “calculated smear campaign.” When the Palace completed their review in June, they sealed off the records, despite their promise for transparency.

Ginger Afro Hair

According to a book called Revenge: Meghan, Harry and the War of the Windsors, Harry’s step-mum Camilla R. made a racist comment about the Sussex’s potential future child when they first went public with their relationship in 2018.

In an excerpt of the book from Page Six, author Tom Bower reported, “According to Harry, someone speculated about what his future child would ‘look like.’ In one version, Camilla remarked, ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if your child had ginger Afro hair?’

This comment, of course, is to be considered in tandem with an allegation shared with Oprah that a senior member of the royal family shared concerns with Meghan, who is half-Black, about “how dark” their baby’s skin was going to be when she was pregnant with son Archie Mountbatten-Windsor in late 2018/early 2019.

Denying the Lilibets’ Money Shot

After much back and forth about whether the Fabulous Markle Twins would be allowed on the balcony during an outdoor parade at Queen Great Granny’s 70-year Jubbly, they were relegated to the nosebleeds with Prince Andrew and a bunch of dumb babies. That was forgivable – they stepped down, after all – but then, the Lilibets met for 15 minutes amid all the fuss on the tiny one’s first birthday, which coincided with the celebration of the Queen’s longtime dominion.

Their chemistry must not have vibed, because Queen Elizabeth allegedly declined a photo op with her namesake Lilibet. According to a source who spoke to the Daily Beast said:

“The queen’s enforcers reportedly told Harry and Meghan ‘no chance’ when the couple asked for a photograph of the Monarch meeting their child Lilibet for the first time,” the Beast reported. Her courtiers and footmen were said to be concerned that the photo of the two, which would’ve looked like the following image had the duo their druthers, would end up on television in the States.”

Rude and untrue. It would’ve ended up in a Netflix film, not television.

Foiled Press Tour Via Sovereign Death

Then the Queen died, a personal affront to Meghan and Harry, who are just trying to survive in Montecito in this economy and would’ve loved to have her as a guest on the pod. King Charles, Harry’s idiot dad and the Queen’s second most idiot son, mandated a two-week period of mourning, which cut right into the rollout of Meghan’s lauded pod Archetypes with Meghan right when Margaret Cho was supposed to be on. Meghan was supposed to also be on the cover of Variety’s September Women in Power issue along with luminaries like Malala and Elizabeth Olsen.

Right before the Queen died, Harry got his shit together and turned in his memoir manuscript (called Spare, due out in January) after missing deadline after deadline. When he learned of her passing (eventually…his dad forgot to tell him and he showed up to her deathbed 90 minutes late), Harry allegedly scrambled back to his editor. According to the Sun, Harry begged for some amendments to parts he feared would be “insensitive so soon after the Queen’s death and his dad taking the throne.”

Big Ass Candle

Dad’s orders that Harry not be allowed to accessorize during the funeral were tough. But that was far from the worst to come. For the entirety of the BBC simulcast of the Queen’s funeral, the camera angle was arranged in such a way that an absolutely enormous taper candle blocked Meghan from frame, save for her jaunty little hat.

There you have it. I’m looking forward to the global reality show event, and I can’t wait to hear what else these little bitches have done to America’s king and queen.