Glenn Close Is No Meghan Markle

When Diana Spencer and designer David Emanuel teamed up to create the Princess’s flouncy, bouncy matrimonial monstrosity for her royal wedding to Prince Charles in 1981, the duo’s bridal creation couldn’t have been more iconic. Think of it like Hailey Bieber and Virgil Abloh’s “Til Death Do Us Part” veil for her 2019 wedding to soulmate Justin Bieber, or like Vanderpump Rules’s Scheana Marie and her aunt collabbing on that elegant bridal crop-top for her fairytale wedding to Mike Shay.

But now, the man behind that silken marshmallow is talking some guff about the fabulous Meghan Markle. In short, he’s not happy that the goth princess got to attend the Jubbly. When asked about her by the Daily Mail (via Newsweek), Emanuel responded, “You mean the American woman? I can’t utter the name now.” I don’t know, feels racist to me, or at least extremely British in a late-era Morrissey sense.

Then he invoked Wallis Simpson, the American divorcee/purported throat GOAT who brought down Harry’s great great uncle Albert’s kingly reign. He said Meghan, who has also been divorced, strutted about in a “nurse’s uniform” at the Jub Jub.

"They talk about her being a movie star, but she is not," Emanuel said. "She's a B-list TV actress, that's all. She's not Glenn Close."

Glenn Close’s most notable recent Emmy Award-winning television role was in Damages, a legal thriller set at a law firm. Similarly, Meghan was of course once a dedicated bit player on the legal dramedy Suits. Meanwhile, Close’s last major movie star role was “Mamaw” in Hillbilly Elegy, a film which received a similar critical response to Markle’s final film, the Hallmark Channel’s Dater’s Handbook.

Meghan could do Mamaw with ease and panache:

But could Glenn do THIS!?

I mean, I guess yes, probably. But could Close explain to Gloria Steinem where babies come from? Could Close ever even attempt to trademark the word “archetype?” Or go to the Hague and come out unscathed, paying for her own Spirit Airlines flight to boot?

No. Glenn Close doesn’t have the range. And neither does Emanuel. This bitch came in second on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here to Westlife singer Kian Egan in 2013. Meghan could do that in her sleep. She probably has even, during her Deal or No Deal days. It’s been a long, uphill road to Montecito for Meghan, and she’s looking at her rearview mirror at her haters eating dust.