Bland MFs Meghan and Harry Deprive Us of Bombshells

The stunning three-part conclusion of global documentaric event Meghan & Harry is now streaming on Netflix, and we got some bombshell reveals literally just kidding. After weeks and months and years of teasing and taunting us with spilled PG Tips, we learned a whole lot of flat-out duh.

Knowing Haz and Megh, we shant have been surprised that the Montecito dream team had nothing earth-shaking to say about Lilibet Sr. or even Nacho Figueras. They didn’t even cop up to how Guy Markle really broke his legs! But these two are a whole lot of smoke and no fire, and their whole enterprise smells like a vanilla Yankee Candle. Which would be a good name for the sister charity they start to accompany Archewell.

So what were the major takeaways that we already knew about?

1. Harry and Meghan believe the major turning point that turned the royal family’s apathy for Meghan into Princess Diana-style seething jealousy was press coverage she received at a 2018 family event for Remembrance Day.

Gossip verdict: BORING

When the higher ups were flaming-hot pissed Meghan made the cover of The Telegraph, Harry said “She was like, ‘But it’s not my fault. And I said, ‘I know. And my mum felt the same way.'” It’s a direct parallel to Lady Di’s reveal in her infamous 1995 Panorama interview that Prince Charles was jealous of her popularity during a 1983 Australian tour.

2. Brother Wills’s office began leaking negative stories about Harry and Meghan after their Australian tour.

Gossip verdict: BORING

Harry claims that despite their Philadelphia Pact (not named after the city, just an agreement borne from brotherly love), Wills went on the offensive when he saw how hot H&M looked Down Under The stories started to come out after Meghan and Harry went on a tour of Australia in which even the Outback’s grumpiest wombats were charmed by the couple’s 100 percent authentic red-hot chemistry. Harry’s direct invocation of his brother’s office is a little bit spicy, but Harry elides the fact that he, too, engaged in the dirty warfare of leaking nasty niblets to the Daily Mail.

“William and I both saw what happened in our dad’s office and we made an agreement that we would never let that happen to our office,” he said. “I would far rather get destroyed in the press than play along with this game or business of trading and to see my brother’s office doing the same thing that we promised the two of us would never, ever do, that was heartbreaking.”

3. Harry claims that William screamed at him when he and Meghan traveled to Sandringham in January 2020 to announce he was quitting his birthright.

Gossip verdict: BORING

I guess the timbre of William’s voice is new info here, but not the contents or sentiments of this row. Haz said: “It became very clear, very quickly that that goal was not up for discussion or debate. It was terrifying to have my brother scream and shout at me and my father say things that just simply weren’t true and my grandmother, you know, quietly sit there and take it all in.”

Well, at least we’re finally hearing a little bit about dear old Gran, who seems to have taken a passive role in all of this despite her iron-fisted power over 54 Commonwealth countries. Harry was also told the Queen was too busy to discuss these matters with him; when he saw her, “ the Queen then told him, when he expressed surprise that she was now too busy to see him, ‘Yes, I didn’t know I was busy. I’ve been told that I’m busy. I’ve been told that I’m busy all week.’”

Stand up for yourself, woman!

“I think from their perspective, they had to believe that it was more about us and maybe the issues that we had as opposed to their partner — the media — and themselves and that relationship that was causing so much pain for us,” Harry said. “They saw what they wanted to see.”

So what’s the final tally? THREE BORINGS! I can’t believe I’m asking for this due to this press cycle ruining my life, but maybe they should add three more parts clear some of this up? I need to hear more about Meghan’s wedding speech.