Don't Talk to Prince Charles Until He's Had His Coffee Enema

A new unauthorized biography called Charles: The Alternative Prince is out in the UK and it is not, unfortunately, about the future king’s love of indie Britpop in 2008. No, according to the Daily Mail, The book is about Prince Charles’ apparently decades-long failed quest to get the NHS to consider implementing Gerson therapy for cancer patients, a diet in which a sick person drinks 13 glasses of juice a day and takes regular self-administered coffee enemas. A coffee enema, of course, is when you shoot room-temp java up your rump with a tube and then poop it all out, and it is a dangerous, debunked liver “detox” treatment. I learned this on an episode of Real Housewives of Orange County four years ago.

Nevermind that the book’s author, Edzard Ernst, uses the book to explore Charles’ charity the Foundation for Integrated Health, which “pressured the NHS to include alternative medicines, was closed in 2010 after allegations of fraud and money laundering. Or that many of Charles’s beliefs seem to stem from his “mentor” Sir Laurens Van Der Post who “was revealed to have fathered a child with a 14-year-old girl.” It’s just that I don’t think Charles, who is literally one very discreet Lilibet sneeze away from the Crown, should be talking about poop this much in public.

Do you think the Queen’s ever talked about poop in public? No. In fact, palace footmen are rumored to arrive ahead of her highness at each public engagement so they can drop a banana in the toilet dedicated to Lilibet’s use to mimic a big-ass poo plopping into the water. This royal exercise allegedly determines where her security team is allowed to stand so they can’t hear anything bodily when the Queen hits the loo, and the mess of acknowledging it is avoided all together. Why a banana, I don’t know. I’m not here to question it, though.

I understand Charles loves plants and herbology and his idea for a car that runs on wine and cheese, but it’s just not proper for a man of his stature to be going around talking about this shite. It would be humiliating to have a member of the royal family speak of such things for so many years, worse than accepting suitcases full of millions from the Qatari PM, or having a public extramarital affair as a father to young children, or even exhibiting fan behavior toward his own granddaughter.