Conspiracy Theory: The Queen Is Dead

Hear me out

Britain's Queen Elizabeth II arrives for the opening of the sixth session of the Scottish Parliament...
tinted windows

I’ve fashioned myself as something of a death theorist over the course of the last month, and I’ve got a hot one for you: I believe HRH Queen Elizabeth II, who is reported to be on bed rest for “at least two weeks,” has gone to that great big horse track in the sky (or to that corgi breeding lab down below in hell, depending on what your opinion is of divine right, land grabbing, and colonization is.) God has tried to save the Queen, is what I’m saying, and couldn’t quite inject the human growth hormone in time. The Queen is already dead.

I’m neither a Qer nor a person of integrity, so I’m not going to hang my hat on this theory (even though my hat looks exactly like this) or die on this molehill (really, a mineral-rich land mass in Southern Africa during the Second Boer War), but hear me out. After canceling appearances due to “fatigue” and spending a night in the hospital for observation, the Queen has disappeared from public view.

Two weeks — an auspicious amount of time to be on bed rest. Perhaps exactly the amount of time needed to plan a bang-up state funeral, wipe all the sweat off Prince Andrew, and allow for Prince Charles to practice his “oh mummy!” routine in an Edwardian mirror in the loo of his private chambers.

Allegedly, the 95-year-old was seen driving around her Windsor estate in sunglasses and a scarf last weekend. Must confirm she’s alive, right? But let me ask you this: how many Emmys has The Crown won for its expert acting, costuming, and general mimicry of the Queen? Seven. Seven Emmys and $13 million per episode to faithfully recreate the goings on at Windsor and Buckingham Palace.

I’m not saying The Firm’s got Olivia Coleman driving a Range Rover around in circles like some kind of Manchurian Mama, but I do think that it’s fairly easy to study the mannerisms of a 95-year-old and slap on some old age makeup to quell public anxiety during a time of incredible turmoil: I mean, just look at these dire, inscrutable, extremely British headlines on the UK Daily Mail homepage. The Queen’s dying wish was to protect the land from the sorrow of seeing her exalted corpse until it is properly embalmed.

Rest in peace, my apolitical Queen.