Royal Family Year in Review: A Rather Shit One

In one of her most famous speeches, our dearly departed Queen of England declared 1992 her “Annus Horribilis,” a year she would not look back on with “undiluted pleasure.”

Indeed, 1992 was a toughie. A fire broke out at her home and all of her kids were getting divorced. But she had no idea that far worse was to come: for example, just a year later, her favored son Prince Andrew would spend a full two days jerkin’ it in a hotel room in California.

But perhaps no annus has been more horribilis for the royal family than this one, during which Lovely Lilibet died before she was able to see the Netflix global event Harry & Meghan. And in her regnal absence, her progeny was left to wear shorts and re-enact their traumatic boyfights in front of U.N. General Assembly on an endless loop.

But really, despite our posi attitudes, the whole year was dismal. Let’s look back in patriotic and reverential wonder at the year filled with mobility issues, death, and a whole lot of laughs.

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January: The Queen Revoked Prince Andrew’s Military Titles RE: Sex Crimes

After allegedly paying the $13 million tab for his settlement with Epstein victim Virginia Giuffre, the Queen stripped the little lad of most of his trophies, bits, bobbins, and possibly even his ski chalet. Nothing but his freakish teddies kept him warm. Later, the Queen’s corgis would help, but let’s hold our horses for a second (which were a gift from Emmanuel Macron and his teacher-wife; they are all named Fabuleu de Maucour).

February: The Queen Unalived Herself

This was the month that the Queen first brandished her late husband’s gorgeous stick that he was fabled by at least one royal biographer to have “kept in a pot by the front door.” This is also the month she released her fab dog parfum (Acqua Di Night Turkey by Touch of Lilibet).

Unfortunately, this is also the month we started hearing about our poor Queen’s mobility issues. Then, she died and came back to life, as reported by an “intern” at Hollywood Unlocked, the best website in the whole world besides this one. What’s so Annus Horribilis about spontaneous regeneration, you ask? It’s the irony of knowing it ended up not mattering….

Also, it turned out the “intern” got confused, and it was actually the lead singer of Queens of the Stone Age who passed suddenly. We’ve all been there as cub reporters, and it’s best not to dwell on this.

March: The Queen Got Rehomed And You Know What That Means

The Queen, who finally denounced Andrew for his arrogance, left London for good in March. Meanwhile, Kate Middleton went nucking futs and got booed in the Caribbean while turning a lewk for Ukraine. There was talk of building the Queen a tunnel and rigging her wiggling little body to a contraption that would catapult her onto the Jubbly balcony.

This, really, is the beginning of the end of it all. Prince George was the only member of that family holding their shit together.

April: The Queen Skipped the Maundy

Not the Maundy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The birthday girl, who stayed in bed, apparently had long Covid: what’s your excuse? Pride? Greed? Frumpy dumpiness? The Queen and her bestie (a bodyguard) tried to get the hell away from drama — beep beep! — and free her from oppressive stickliness, but that’s a demon that can’t be outrun.

May: No Lawn Chairs to Spare for the Queen at the Palace of Holyroodhouse Garden Party

With just a month left until her Jubbly celebraysh, unable to move but “still in charge,” the Queen only wanted to keep to her chambers and play a little hooky. Meanwhile. everyone was freaking out about who would step on whomever’s wing-tipped toes on the Jubbly balcony.

But wait — who is cutting that slim figure inside a Range Rover at the Windsor Royal Horse Show when she’s supposed to be sick in bed? Well, hell, if it isn’t Lilibet Senior. Neigh on, capitan! Plus, she got a tunnel named after her. A rare collection of bright spots in a month filled with shit.

They started passing the poor girl around like a tray of appetizers. Should’ve let her rest.

June: Lilibet Met Lilibet, and Honey, Neither Could Live While the Other Survived

Prince Andrew got “Covid” and had to skip the Jubbly, which is so sad. The Queen had to pull out of a Thanksgiving ceremony and only spent 15 minutes with her namesake, depriving the Netflix crew its moneyshot and adding another layer of ice to the Fabulous Markle Twins’s chilly hometown reception. Oh man, Harry was pissed when he saw how his cousin Eugenie got such a bad-ass tattoo honoring Grandmum without him. This is what happens when you choose David Foster over family.

Meanwhile, Prince William and Kate were probably fuckin’ and suckin’ at Adelaide Cottage, and Prince Charles was accepting suitcases full of cash. Yeah, the Jubbly seemed to go fine and our Maj showed off a new toyboy stick, but the glitter was gone. She was tired.

July: Another Fucken Constitutional Crisis for the Queen

Boris Johnson dragged his mess to the Queen’s front door, interrupting her Holyrood Week recovery after the Jubbly hubbubbly. Plus Prince George had to watch Wimbledon in a poly-wool blend even though it was soooo hot out. Prince Charles couldn’t stop talking about poop in public, and his son William was made to feel shame for his own ass-play.

This was the family’s nadir. So bad that the Queen had to send out a coded message that neither I nor Kelly Conaboy completely understood.

August: The Queen Was Suspended in Animation

August is always August. It’s the February of the summer. We were all suspended in time. The Queen couldn’t move, and the neighborhood in Montecito was getting so bad that they needed guns!

Archetypes with Meghan finally premiered, but at what cost?

September: The Queen Died :(

Her last act? Appointing the ever-obedient Liz Truss as Prime Minister. People said she was crazy for that, but this decision outlasted the Queen’s life (not to mention Susan’s). The dreaded Prince Charles took over, and he debuted a brand new name: King Charles. They forgot to tell Harry all of this, of course, and he only stayed with his grieving family for 12 hours.

Above all else that happened in September, the Emmys snubbed her. The royal family ramped up their pleas for Harry to bin his book, even though he still needs to make a living somehow, how are they not getting this?

Kate Middleton grabbed her husband’s bum bum.

October: Back to the Stu!

Archeytpes with Meghan came back in earnest, and we learned women can be smart, crazy, and always have a poem at the ready. It became a lot harder to write about these people in new or interesting ways, because the Queen was really the thing that made them interesting: a 96-year-old that we all treat like Ana de Armas!? That writes itself. Prince Harry being like, “Preorder my book, mates.” is just a little less inherently fascinating.

November: “King” Charles Settled On In

Ditto for anything Charles has done so far. He got to become a Park Ranger for his birthday, but like, who cares? Diana’s hand went up for sale, so I’ve got bigger things to worry about. Queen Camilla reclaimed the R word and Meghan refused to say the B word. The plebs all thought about swearing all our loyalty and Daily Mail clicks to the Norwegian royal family instead of Britain’s.

Then Charles got egged, which is horrible for him, but it sorta piqued our interest again. Then an old lady was racist, which felt right, too.

December: Netflix Hosted a Global Event

Meghan & Harry premiered on Netflix, which scared a Palace that had just moments before been celebrating over the flop season of The Crown, which they feared portrayed King Charles as a dud (even if he had a man on the inside). The good news for Charles: Meghan & Harry was a snooze. The bad news? They’re coming back for more.