Banished From Balmoral, Meghan and Harry Must Settle for a Cali Cool Summer

The Queen either uninvited them, or never asked them to come at all

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - JULY 1O: Queen Elizabeth ll, Meghan, Duchess of Sussex and Prince Harry, Du...
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Ever since the Queen escaped from the pits of Tartarus to her retreat at Balmoral last week for a summer vacay of pigging out on larded sweets and swimming in a bog chock full of preserved mummies from the fourth century, ye olde town cryer has been on one: Hear ye, hear ye! Is Her Royal Highness the Queen stirring up drama behind closed doors between sips of gin and dubonnet? Hath Little Lord Andrew been extendethed an invitation? And where art thou fair tabloid news items we’ve come to expect as a rabid fiefdom?

What I’m saying is: Summer’s a news drought, especially when the Queen’s busy slathering herself in baby oil ‘neath the Scottish cloud formations, and the mags have been rabid for any morsel of news. Same here.

First, the Sun reported that the Queen had invited the Fabulous Markles for a damp, wet summer break from all that oppressive California sunshine. An olive branch of sorts, after the 15-minute two-Lilibet Jubbly Snubbly. The vacation house seems sick: Craigowen Lodge at Balmoral has an epic new wheelchair elevator, and a source reported that none of the other members of the British royal family would be present (a rarity: according to the Sun, “Prince Andrew hid on the 50,000-acre estate for many weeks while US lawyers attempted to serve his sex abuse writ”).

But oh no no, it was too good to be true, because now the Sun and other publications have been informed that Princess and Mr. Montecito won’t be visiting Balmoral after all. A royal expert told the Sun, “I’m sure the Queen did invite them and there is an open invitation, but it doesn’t surprise me that they’re not going. If they really wanted to make it up with their families, they would drop Harry’s book deal, stop making a fly-on-the-wall documentary, visit Meghan’s dad before he dies in Mexico and return to the UK.” Whoah, okay, a little maudlin there, guy.

Page Six says they were never invited at all. “Multiple sources confirmed to Page Six that the Sussexes will not be going to visit Harry’s grandmother. The couple will stay in the US ahead of the publication of Harry’s much-anticipated memoir this fall,” the website reported.

Kate, William, and their brood will make the trip to the estate, and also inherit all of it. It’s okay, though — Meghan and Harry will still have each other and the rest of that $20 million book deal to comfort themselves.