Children Deserve a Better Role Model Than This Unicellular French Space Blob

On August 10, a resupply mission will be sending a unicellular organism called the Blob to the International Space Station. The Blob can eat and complete mazes and it looks a little bit like that smooth-talking Mucinex guy made of phlegm, but the Blob has no real inherent value. The ultimate goal of sending the Blob to space, according to NASA herself, is to “motivate students from France and other European Space Agency (ESA) Member States to study the Biological sciences.”

These French school children shouldn’t have to look up to this two-bit Blob from Nowheresville when there are so many more qualified billionaire role models in space. Shoot for le lune or The Boring Company presents: Planet Mars, and even if you miss, you’ll land among les etoiles, and all that.

And there are many shining galactic examples beyond Elon Musk. What about that random-ass Dutch boy who went to space with Jeff Bezos and his hot brother? He’d never used Amazon before, and for that he’s an anti-consumerist hero, or maybe he’s just too young to have a credit card. There’s also the Neil Armstrong NFT, which, like the Blob, also has no brain at present, but I don’t understand the technology well enough to rule out that it might one day become sentient. Richard Branson’s wraparound sunglasses empowered me on a personal level. The diaper-wearing attempted murderer Lisa Nowak is obviously greater Orlando’s top feminist icon.

The Blob research experiment will be in effect for seven days at the ISS, which is about seven days minus 12 minutes longer than both of last month’s private sector space missions.