As recently as April 25th, Britney Spears had her shit sufficiently together to complete a cover photo shoot without fondling herself, sharing the magical sounds of her open-door micturition with the crew, or using the day's wardrobe items as impromptu, couture pooper-scoopers, at least according to Allure. In a website gallery of the photographic work accomplished back on that landmark day, the magazine brags that Spears "voluntarily posed" for their September issue, a gentle flip of the bird to the competing publications that will now need to sedate the rampaging pop star with horse tranquilizers if they hope to compile a collection of publishable images.

Though their stranglehold on the best position in the "Britney Spears Is A Bad Mother Literature" section of magazine racks across the nation is unquestioned, Us Weekly's glossy jihad against the baby-fumbling pop star's parenting skills may be losing some intensity if their most shocking follow-up to the classic covers of the last two weeks, HELP! MOMMA PUTS THE SODA POP IN MY FORMULA BOTTLE, Y'ALL! and MY TWISTED HOT-TUB NIGHT PLAYING MOTORBOAT BETWEEN BRITNEY'S BOOBIES is their new issue's BRIT'S NANNIES TELL ALL. (Among this week's crimes: undressing in front of employees, enjoying adult beverages near the kids, nanny bed-sharing).

• Kevin Federline has subpoena'd a bunch of Britney Spears' ex-nannies, and they don't have a lot of good things to say about her parenting skills. 'Drunk With The Babies' may be our favorite Us cover line of all time. [Us Weekly]
  

Have you forgotten that it's Audit Bureau of Circulation time? Whee! People's sales declined, probably because a steady diet of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears grows tiring after a while; we need some hot new celebrities to hit the rehab circuit and, sorry, Amy Winehouse just won't cut it. Over on the serious side of things, Time takes a massive hit, dropping 17.1% in paid and weekly circulation against the same period last year. A Time spokesperson claims that the drop is a result of the magazine's heroic struggle for transparency—shedding copies distributed to doctor's offices and the like—and that the industry will eventually be forced to follow suit, which sort of jibes with our theory that it's all part of new managing editor Rick Stengel's plan to make sure there are only seven people who read Time, but that those seven people absolutely savor every single word. [WWD]

In their ongoing efforts to elicit sworn statements from the innermost elements of Britney Spears's entourage, K-Fed's lawyers have now followed up their subpoena of assistant Alli Sims—who for the past two days has been spotted around town waving a pair of tightly clenched fists and insisting to bewildered passersby how she "still hasn't touched it!"—with one served last night to her Director of Fumbled-Baby-Catching Services. From the People.com report:

As Britney Spears' and K-Fed's toddlers are reduced to sending desperate S.O.S. notes to celebrity glossies via the carrier pigeons who have become their only friends and lifelines while encased in a chicken-wire prison in their mother's home, their quarreling parents continue to up the ante in the messy and contentious battle over who'll win the right to neglect the children full-time. In the latest development, K-Fed's lawyers served Spears' cousin and assistant Alli Sims with a subpoena to testify at the divorce hearings. (Watch the electrifying serving of the legal document in question here.) Federline's lawyer wouldn't offer details, saying only that Sims was "believed to have relevant information" regarding the case. Since this was the very same Alli Sims who reportedly sat back and did nothing as Britney shockingly tossed back glasses of post-rehab sake and wine, and more recently held a front-row seat to Britney's erratic OK!-photo-shoot transgressions, who better, then, to testify at Tuesday's custody hearing how the singer has been neglecting her kids in favor of cherished new family addition: couture-despoiling rat-dog, London?

Continuing its award-winning series of segments on recent Britney Spears hit-and-run victims (both sexual and vehicular), Access Hollywood spotlights a CelebTV.com interview with the poor woman whose Mercedes was damaged when Spears decided to show off her parking skills to the throng of paparazzi waiting to assail her on a routine Petco run. She's clearly not as excited about her brush with Spears as the guy who had his fender bent in the Standard's hot tub, but maybe that's because she only got a glimpse of Spears' overexposed ladyflower instead of the little seen, intricately tattooed breasts she only flashes in more intimate settings.

Meet Kim Rifkin, whose car was yet another automobile to suffer from Britney Spears' inability to properly park. Ms. Rifkin, interviewed by "Access Hollywood," is miffed at the snatch-showing celebrity, and raises a chilling question: "If she can do this when she is photographed, God knows what she does when she's not." We're thinking meth and three-way sex, but that may just be wish fulfillment on our part.

Meet Matt Encinias, video extra and 21-year-old "boy toy" to pathetic cougar Britney Spears. Matt shares the full details of their hot makeout sesh in this very special edition of "Access Hollywood."

Now that enough time has passed following 21-year-old music video extra Matt Salinas's soggy, twisted night of rooftop hot tub captivity, it seems that he's ready to go before the syndicated celebrity newsmagazine cameras—here, he spends some couch time with Access Hollywood's— to share his experience with the world . Yes, the story is identical to the one he first told to Us, but his tale carries far more heft now that we can inspect his face for signs of lasting emotional damage. (Though it would have helped somewhat if Billy Bush had provided a doll upon which Salinas could show us the naughty places where Britney touched him.) Fortunately, it seems that our victim has pulled through his ordeal largely intact, as he practically tries to reach through the screen and high-five each and every one of us, his virtual frat brothers, and declare, "Dudes! I totally hit that!"

Our commenter JoshSpeed has saved himself from the "maybe execute for slight fetishizingness tendencies" pile with: "You know, besides the layers of sweet, sweet irony after-the-fact that can be peeled and savoured by listening to her magnum opus, 'Lucky', repeatedly on one's .mp3 player, there isn't really much to like about Britney Spears any more, nor was there ever, really."

The details of Us Weekly's new cover story, MY TWISTED NIGHT WITH BRIT, are so terrible that we can hardly bring ourselves to repeat them here. But repeat them we will: Succumbing once again to the exotic mental disorder that causes the total collapse of her superego and drives her towards the nearest sexually available background performer without concern for the consequences of her impulsive actions, Spears took an extra from her latest video shoot hostage, submerged him in a hot tub atop the Standard Hotel Downtown, and once the slab of man-meat was adequately tenderized by the jacuzzi's steaming waters, subjected him to a deranged, alcohol-fueled game of "look at my funny boobie tattoos, y'all, or I will end you."

• Britney Spears got into a fender-bender, then announced to the assembled paparazzi that "I'm a brainiac!" [Page Six]
  

• Will Gay Talese's memoir of his four-decade open marriage to Doubleday publisher Nan Talese be Oprah's next book club pick? Maybe not! [R&M]
  

Even though letting your dog befoul a couture dress while you urinate in public and trying to whiten your toddler's teeth are obviously ideal for their famous "Stars! They're Just Like Us!" feature, the concerned folks at Us Weekly have dared to suggest that maybe, just maybe, such behavior indicates that something might be wrong with Britney Spears.

Great. Now the paparazzi are following around Allie Sims, who is a cousin of Britney Spears. At this point in the end times of celebrity culture, this is how some really bad stuff starts. Alli works, or worked, as one of Britney's assistants—according to OK!, she was trying to aid Kevin Federline in trying to get the kids away from Britney, and/or was the one helping Britney shop during her stint at Promises, the world's least successful celebrity rehab. But what do we really know about Allie yet, at this brief moment before she has a reality show of her own?

• Dina Lohan is being sued for fraud. No, it has nothing to do with her "former Rockette" claim. [Page Six]
  

With the simultaneous release of covers stories trumpeting the plight of Britney Spears' two young sons [Ed.note—Weren't there three at one point? Maybe she left one in the Bellagio on her last trip to Vegas. Pls. research.] in progressive-parenting journals Us Weekly and Life & Style, an air-raid siren has been sounded at the headquarters of California Child Protective Services, and a van full of baby-repossession officers immediately dispatched to the Spears residence to investigate explosive charges of infant over-juicing, toddler teeth-whitening, and high-end real estate squatting.

Apparently, the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair will feature a piece on that increasingly vital subset of the celebutard population, Guys Who Have Married, Impregnated, Or Serially Copulated With Women Who Possess More Wealth And/Or Fame Than They Do, an exposé on the hanger-on lifestyle (one which, in the words of writer Nancy Jo Sales, seems to have no downside) that will feature Kevin Federline, the guy from The Good Charlottes who knocked up Nicole Richie, and Cisco Adler, among others.

• Britney Spears put soda in her kids' baby bottles and then tried to get a dentist to whiten their little teeth. [Us]