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The details of Us Weekly's new cover story, MY TWISTED NIGHT WITH BRIT, are so terrible that we can hardly bring ourselves to repeat them here. But repeat them we will: Succumbing once again to the exotic mental disorder that causes the total collapse of her superego and drives her towards the nearest sexually available background performer without concern for the consequences of her impulsive actions, Spears took an extra from her latest video shoot hostage, submerged him in a hot tub atop the Standard Hotel Downtown, and once the slab of man-meat was adequately tenderized by the jacuzzi's steaming waters, subjected him to a deranged, alcohol-fueled game of "look at my funny boobie tattoos, y'all, or I will end you."

The victim tells Us, "Britney was the first one to undress, and then everyone else followed. I turned around and saw that she was topless and she had fake tattoos of flowers on her nipples from the shoot." Chilling, we know. There is, however, a glimmer of good news in this sopping wet evening of unspeakable depravity: Baby Jayden was elsewhere, and not, as it appears on the Us cover (above), floating placidly just inches away from where his mother was clumsily seducing her college-boy quarry.

Bonus: Britney is a brainiac.