PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. (You have only yourselves to blame if they seem a little light or less than chockful of A-listers sometimes.) Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and share your amateur analysis of Tori Spelling's psychological state based on some observation while shopping.

• Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's big marriage mistake is finally fixed, but Kevin still has the option to fight for full custody, which he'll probs get. Remember when we used to say things like "Poor Britney?" Yeah, that ship has sunk. [Us]
  

Gentlemen, hide your clippers; ladies, clean out your grease traps: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are finally legally single. And despite K-Fed's alleged fury that she took the kids to Vegas without permission (why learn boring counting when you can learn to count cards?), the semi-professional sperminator apparently experienced a fit of amnesia and agreed to share custody of the kids:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted bodybuilder prop comic Carrot Top discretely awaiting the 704 rapid line.

• Finally, the glorious offspring of Naomi Watts and greatest, most serious actor of our time Liev Schreiber is known to us: Alexander Pete Schreiber, 22.5 inches, 8 lbs 4 oz. Which is big. Because Naomi was pregs for like seriously 4 years. [Us]
  

If there were any lingering doubts as to whether Britney Spears was a pop star significantly past the verge of a nervous breakdown, they were answered at her now infamous OK! magazine cover shoot, in which the celeb glossy—having witnessed their subject perform a number of highly inappropriate acts, including the defiling of designerwear with a combination of fried chicken grease and lapdog droppings—was forced to compromise their "nice" editorial voice by splashing the unflattering photos across their pages. Spears' former pimp/fertilizer Kevin Federline is now reportedly seeking full custody of his children:

"NW [an Australian gossip weekly] reports that Spears has told close friends that she is pregnant, and that she does not know who the father is." Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's the craziest rumor from a sketchy foreign tabloid we've heard all day! Oh, wait, no it's not. Well! At least it's in English.

Britney Spears' three-part comeback plan (Phase One: Stage a series of buzz-building, 12-minute concerts. Phase Two: Chew on hair extensions, neglect children. Phase Three: Personally arrange to sell triumphant comeback exclusive to celebrity glossy!) has hit a major snag, as an OK! magazine cover shoot reportedly devolved into a tragic display of anatomical self-discovery, public urination, and couture-sullying pooper-scooping. Laineygossip.com reports:

Everyone's been talking about Britney Spears flipping out at a photoshoot for this week's OK! magazine. This is the blog they've been getting stuff from: "Britney allegedly wanders around babbling like a baby—as in baby talk. Half the time her head can't stay straight, lolling around on her neck like a bobble. I'm told she also has no boundaries and allegedly, several times, when she had to pee, even though one of the washrooms was being used as a staging area, she would drop trou and make a tinkle WITHOUT CLOSING THE DOOR and an entire crew working around her. Allegedly of course. Still worse... The girl allegedly can't stop touching herself. As in fondling her breasts, rubbing between her legs.... I can hardly bear to write this. She apparently goes about it absent-mindedly, as if not aware she's not alone and at the same time, genuinely curious about her own body, described to me as 'like a 5 year old discovering her genitalia for the first time.' Allegedly of course." [Lainey Gossip]

• The Guðmundsdóttir-Barneys anchored their sleek black yacht off Long Island City. Of course. [Page Six]
  

Looking more and more in recent months like the living embodiment of a Bratz doll after a vengeful little brother has had his way with it, it's all too obvious to even the most casual of observer that former chart-topper Britney Spears has come undone. The singer regularly succumbs to manic-depressive episodes that see her indulging in marathon tube-top and fedora shopping sprees one moment, then savagely maiming a defenseless SUV with an umbrella the next. Star magazine now reports that the story has only grown more bleak, describing a "slapfest" between Britney and her mother:

Two equally frightening-exciting announcements this morning! How great! How scary!

Every so often, the tabloid media's desperate desire to see a positive male influence enter troubled pop star Britney Spears' turbulent life gets the better of it (after all, gossip-sheet editors want nothing but her happiness), an overzealousness that results in stories of romantic attachments to any nearby Superman who might swoop down from the clouds and halt the runaway train of her post-Federline existence moments before it hurtles off a cliff. People corrects the record on recent reports that Spears and paparazzi deflector/infant deceleration specialist Daimon Shippen are, to use the parlance of our celebrity-obsessed times, "totally doing it."

Post gossip dowager Cindy Adams claws her way out of the casket this morning to float the following rumor about Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. Apparently, Britney wants Kevin back! But there's more!

Kevin Federline, proud possessor of some of the most potent baby-batter in all of pimpdom, has pulled no punches in trying to negotiate custody of his children away from their increasingly unhinged mother, who will now only communicate through angry couplets scribbled into a spiral notebook and cryptic messages on her website. The National Enquirer, meanwhile, reports the "PopoZão" singer may have already found his next baby momma:

Report: Britney Spears is abusing booze, food, and credit cards. Once we find out she's banging background dancers again, we'll know we've finally got the old Britney we know and love back. [The Scoop]

The Associated Press reports that the Nielsen measurement service will change the way it tracks online viewing habits.

Having severed all ties to her mother in iambic pentameter, then confounded her fans by explaining away her umbrella rampage as an overzealous Method exercise, an increasingly scrambled Britney Spears would appear to be in desperate need of someone she can trust. She may have found that in AA counselor John Sundahl, hotly rumored to be a front-running candidate for Ill-Fated Marriage #3. (Not to be confused with her first rehab boyfriend, a guitarist from a lesser known rock band who rode the alleged affair for all the publicity it was worth.) Those rumors now appear to be true, as Sundahl briefly lapsed on the "anonymous" part of the AA equation to gush about the relationship in Page Six:

Star Magazine reports that Britney Spears's threatening legal care package for her mother included a poem entitled "Dear Mama"—not the first time the singer chose to express herself in accusatory verse—in which she allegedly told the intervening parent that she "didn't have a mom anymore." Slightly more inscrutable was another personal delivery made by the increasingly paranoid pop starlet, who now includes the U.S. Postal Service among the government agencies plotting against her: a handwritten note delivered to X17 on Tuesday, explaining a now-legendary incident of SUV-cruelty captured by the paparazzi outfit. In it she writes:

• Sean P. Diddy Puffy Diddy Combs' babymama beard, Kim Porter, has moved out. One wonders what the last straw was. [Page Six]