Perhaps moved by Sarah Silverman's unflattering impression of the clean-shaven vagina for which VMA trainwreck Britney Spears is infamous or by the tear-soaked exit from the ceremony they've exclusively captured on video, the producers of Extra have generously offered the disgraced pop star a chance at nationally televised redemption. From their press release:

What is left to say when one of the most anticipated VMA performances in years bombs so badly, it causes Kid Rock and Tommy Lee to very nearly come to fisticuffs trying to one up each other trading "Yo Britney" jokes, while finally justifying Sean "Diddy" Combs's single, painfully confused facial expression? A round-up of what some of the world's (yes, the whole world was watching) critics thought about Britney Spears' comeback performance:

In the end, there would be no baby dolls dropping from the rafters, giant Jacuzzis filled with writhing background dancers servicing a fading pop star's exhibitionistic sexual needs, or even a female albino python with which Britney Spears might share a same-sex, cross-species kiss to open last night's VMAs.

We have no words.

• The final verdict on Britney's VMA disaster: "She danced like she had a pantload." You stay classy, Post! [NYP]
  

We're now officially excited about whatever Britney has planned for the show, and fully expect that she'll try to live up to her MTV legacy by embracing the turbulence of her recent, tabloid-attracting life. When she takes the stage, strips off her breakaway bikini top, and takes a seat in the giant jacuzzi in which a trio of background dancers will alternate turns thrusting their greedy tongues into Spears' mouth and shaving her head with a diamond-encrusted hair clipper—all while a hail of dirty baby dolls rains down from the rafters onto a worshipping throng completely in her thrall—no one will be whooping their approval more loudly than we will.

OMG! OMG! Britney Spears is going to open the VMAs! And MTV has reportedly hired Criss Angel to create the mind-freaking illusion that she's on stage dancing and lip-syncing to new single "Gimme More," instead of sitting in her dressing room, drinking vodka tonics and trying to feed her babies Twinkies dipped in Gerber strained peas. [Extra]

• Kevin Federline admits, via the latest filing in his divorce from Britney Spears, that he's worth exactly zero dollars and zero cents, and he's wanting a handout from his ex, who makes—sigh—$737,868 a month. [NYP]
  

· In roughly the amount of time it took for her to record a decent take of this, Britney Spears made $737,868.
· Some guy from Missouri took off all his clothes in a convenience store to distract the cashier while his friend stole beer. There's a word for that kind of criminal: Probably gay.
· Author Pete Hamill noticed an uncomfortable amount of similarities between his 2002 book Forever, and new Fox drama New Amsterdam, but seems to know better than try to take the network on, lest he find himself abducted in the dead of night and used as human game on Rupert Murdoch's private safari hunting resort.
· Gasp! What's Jake Gyllenhaal doing on the Unabridged Hollywood Herpes Tree?
· To paraphrase another Avenue Q song: There's a fine, fine line, Larry Craig. [via Towleroad]

Kevin Federline's swift and illustrious rise up the Spears Industries ranks—humbly starting as a background dancer, then being promoted to Chief Bongwater Replacement Engineer, and ultimately landing a corner-office position as their Director of Knocking-Up Services—was as remarkable a transformation by any celebrity couchhusband in recent memory. Even once he was terminated, nothing could stop his lofty pimp ambitions, and it wasn't long before Super Bowl endorsement deals and meaty roles opposite industry giants like Chad Michael Murray began to pour in. So how Shorty-feting, bullet-riddled rap star 50 Cent could somehow lay the blame for Britney's recent troubles on K-Fed is anyone's guess:

• Owen Wilson's addictions to cocaine and heroin contributed to his suicide attempt. Oh and the Kate Hudson-Dax Shepard thing can't have helped. [Us Weekly]
  

As any self-respecting layabout-turned- failed-rapper- turned- custody-seeker would do, Kevin Federline has been working overtime to burnish the jaunty halo of responsibility he's placed atop his own head. His latest accomplice: One Tree Hill executive producer Mark Schwahn, who both compliments K-Fed on his two-episode guest stint and then tries to convince Us Weekly that he wasn't even aware of all the headlines — he just wanted that marvelous, talented bastard to grace his set:

• The language in the complaint to the Department of Children and Family Services about Britney Spears' mistreatment of her kids, which included "allegations of poor dental hygiene, as well as poor eating and sleeping habits," also showed up in a legal brief K-Fed's lawyer filed today. Huh. [TMZ]
  

Somebody in the child welfare business just got that Us Weekly subscription approved: After weeks of tabloid stories implying that skinny-dipping with a random college co-ed in Vegas, allegedly drinking in front of the kids, and reportedly shoving a bodyguard who is holding your son are somehow inappropriate acts, America's poster child for staying in school (not this one; the other one) is rumored to be under investigation by L.A. County officials for something potentially a lot worse than trying to Brite Smile her kids' choppers:

Britney Spears is being investigated by the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services for possible child abuse. No details on the allegations, but we're assuming they have something to do with forcing your babies to survive on a diet of Cheetos, Diet Coke, and insanity. [TMZ]

While Access Hollywood has helpfully added some subtitles to the audio of Britney Spears' rumored comeback song so that you can bring along a copy of the clip to Valley institution Sardo's legendary "Celebrity Trainwreck Karaoke Night" tonight, we think they've badly misinterpreted the potential hit single's lyrics. Indeed, "Everyday, I'm a daze," requires no explanation given Spears' half-remembered, topless hot tub encounters with loose-lipped video extras, but "So why do you desert me, baby boy?" is obviously a reference to her still-unnamed second offspring, who's developed a vexing talent for escaping his playpen each time mommy wants to spend some quality teeth-whitening time with the child.

We tend not to take tips from mysterious European sources about the world's most famous celebutards lightly, ever since "The french" sent us a breathless missive fully anticipating Paris Hilton's 180° transformation from wayward flashbulb-whore to Mother Theresa-with-a-Kitson-clothing-line by several months. So when we received the following e-mail from an alleged waiter at the Antwerp Hilton, in which he described witnessing Patron Saint of Bad Mommies Britney Spears seducing another conquest in the hotel lobby, well, we thought what we had in our hot little hands was the kind of scoop lesser global Spears-tracking outfits would kill for:

• Britney Spears is contemplating a hop across the pond to the UK, but for now she's still in L.A., driving around aimlessly with her kids in the car. [OK!]
  

• Concert mishap-prone diva Beyonce Knowles accidentally flashed her tits to an audience. And this had her lookin' so crazy, etc. [Hollywoodtuna which, actually, just typing that makes us feel gross]
  

· Britney Spears: making the world safe for the bisexual experimentation of young women everywhere.
· Whoopsie! Who put that bad, bad word behind that nice drunk lady's head?
· Why isn't Mandy Moore more like Lindsay Lohan? The drugs, we'd imagine.
· This woman is obviously blinded by love: "Brooke Mueller is afraid to let fiancé Charlie Sheen see her upcoming flick, Strictly Sexual. The beauty was overheard at the Sunset Tower in L.A. saying, 'Charlie is such a great actor, it's like serving food to a gourmet cook.'"