What Has Putin Ever Done to Me, Anyway?

Fox News’s Tucker Carlson is begging for a little grace for Russian President Vladimir Putin as he sends troops into eastern Ukraine, a move that might begin a third World War, and which Carlson is calling a “border dispute.” Vlad’s kind of a cool guy once you get to know him, actually, Carlson told his viewers on Tucker Carlson Tonight.

He asks, rhetorically, “Why do I hate Putin so much? Has Putin ever called me a racist? Has he threatened to get me fired for disagreeing with him? Has he shipped every middle class job in my town to Russia? Did he manufacture a world-wide pandemic that wrecked my business that kept me in doors for two years? Is he teaching my children to embrace racial discrimination? Is he making fentanyl? Is he trying to snuff out Christianity? Does he eat dogs?”

And Carlson is right about Putin. He doesn’t seem so bad.

Has he ever called me funny when really I wanted him to say I’m beautiful?

Has he ever showed up to a party with a bottle of wine and taken it back home with him at the end of the night?

Does he tweet about how he misses the Old Gawker?

Does he ever fail to respond to my text messages even though I can see him reposting memories from 8 years ago on his Instagram story?

Is his iPhone always on dark mode, like some sort of sick sex pervert?

Has he asked what that weird smell in here is?

Is he the one who contaminated my drinking water supply with microplastics?

Does he adhere to the FODMAP diet, which makes dining out together tedious and difficult?

Does he pay only freelancers a $200 flat fee for reported features?

No? Putin’s not done any of that? Then I’m not seeing the problem here.