Vladimir Putined His Pants

An unconfirmed report states that the Russian autocrat pooped himself on impact after falling down the stairs

YEREVAN, ARMENIA - NOVEMBER 23: (RUSSIA OUT) Russian President Vladimir Putin grimases during the SC...
Contributor/Getty Images News/Getty Images
bad caviar

I don’t normally wade into politics except for when I endorsed Marianne Williamson for President onstage at a multi-level marketing conference in Sacramento in early 2020. That didn’t go so hot for me, and I swore off that life. But in this global world where politics are entertainment and despots are celebutantes, sometimes I need to enter the fray. My sources at the Daily Mail are telling me that Vladimir Putin, who is sort of like the Dua Lipa of the Russian warlord class, pooped his pants at home in Moscow on Wednesday.

The intel allegedly comes from Telegram, a messaging app that has become a crucial communication tool since Russia invaded Ukraine in February. Unconfirmed information allegedly connected to Putin’s security team was posted on a channel called General SVR that, as the Mail reported, “Putin landed on his coccyx, fell down five steps, then rolled on to his side and slid down two more. The sharp impact caused him to 'involuntarily defecate' due to 'cancer of the gastrointestinal tract'.”

Apparently, three security guards allegedly helped Putin get up, cleaned the doo-doo from his body, and called an in-house doctor to assess the extent of his injuries. He toured a laboratory in Moscow the next day with no signs of bruising or skid marks.

Rumors about the Russian leader’s health have dogged him for years, particularly in the form of viral memes about Parkinson’s and blood cancer. In July, after the Kremlin denied any illnesses, William J. Burns, director of the C.I.A., seemed to confirm that.

“There are lots of rumors about President Putin’s health and as far as we can tell he’s entirely too healthy,” he said, according to the New York Times. That was nearly five months ago however, and it is possible his health has taken a turn for the worse.

While pooping one’s pants isn’t necessarily a telltale sign of fatal decline, it doesn’t bode well for Vlad the control freak, who likes to stay booked and busy and project an image of total dominance. And the timing of this humiliation could not be worse. As Putin is trying in vain to squash viral stories about his rogue BM, his enemy Joe Biden is living his ultimate dream — dining with Chrissy Teigen.