Guiliani Narrowly Escapes With His Life Following a Light Pat on the Back

If he hadn't been in such good shape, he might've been murdered

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani and 2008 presidential candidate wipes sweat from his brow d...
TIM SLOAN/AFP/Getty Images
what's up, scumbag?

Rudy Giuliani got a pat on the back from a Staten Island grocery store worker on Sunday, according to the New York Times. But the open-palmed blunt force trauma was no innocuous “atta boy!” gesture borne from a humble supermarket baggist merely trying to champion his 9/11 idol Rudy, proud dada of some rando nepo baby named Andrew Giuliani who is apparently running for governor of that grocery store. Oh no no. It was a far more vicious pat-pat from a sex-crazed abortionist in the wake of the Supreme Court overturning Roe vs. Wade.

And it was all caught on CCTV:

This is felonious behavior, and certainly not how you should treat someone who did NOT agitate a white supremacist insurrection while being blackout drunk, let alone someone who did a really good job hosting SNL 21 years ago.

Staten Island police initially reported that the unnamed ShopRite employee said, “What’s up, scumbag?” which is of course hate speech. But Giuliani painted an even more (sexually?) charged picture of the supermarket scene for the New York Post.

“All of a sudden, I feel this ‘Bam!’ on my back,” Giuliani said. “I don’t know if they helped me not fall down, but I just about fell down, but I didn’t.
“I feel this tremendous pain in my back, and I’m thinking, what the — I didn’t even know what it was,” he said. “All of a sudden, I hear this guy say, ‘You’re a f–king scumbag,’ then he moves away so nobody can grab him.
“And he says, ‘You, you’re one of the people that’s gonna kill women. You’re gonna kill women,’ ” Giuliani said, quoting the suspect, who now faces assault charges. “‘You and your f–king friend are gonna kill women.’ Then he starts yelling out all kinds of, just curses, and every once in a while, he puts in that woman thing.

I can say this as a person who identifies as a woman thing myself: Take it outside, boys! I'm shopping here!

Luckily, Giuliani has a bully pulpit from which to speak out in the form of Curtis Sliwa’s radio show. He told Sliwa and his audience of 45 cats that the slap felt like “somebody shot me” and that “Luckily, I’m a 78-year-old who is in pretty good shape.” He also said that this unthinkable graze demonstrated the infallibility of his “broken windows” style of governance: “You can’t let the little things go.” The suspect has been charged with second-degree assault involving a person over 65.

I hope Rudy’s rockin’ bod feels better, that Andrew drops out of the primary, and that soon, we’ll all be allowed to laugh again.