CIA: Havana Headache? It's Not the Russians

Havana Syndrome, a mysterious illness first reported from the U.S. Embassy in Cuba, is whatever you want it to be. Since 2016, foreign-based US diplomats have reported experiencing a wide variety of symptoms, potentially as a result of shadowy bio-terrorism falling under the Havana Syndrome umbrella: These can include headaches, hearing phantom high-pitched noises, burnout, tummy aches, acting sexy thanks to the dulcet tones of Camila Cabello’s breakout single, nausea, emotional motion sickness, and plain old just not feeling it.

Today, a CIA investigation has determined that Havana Syndrome is “unlikely to be the result of a worldwide campaign of attacks by a foreign power against US diplomats and spies,” according to The Guardian. For the purposes of this “interim report,” the CIA studied thousands of reports filed by sick diplomats, and while not every cluster of cases has a plausible explanation, the agency found no evidence of a coordinated attack.

This announcement is inconsistent with the smattering of information the public has received about Havana Syndrome, with many calling out the CIA for “backtracking” on a confidential warning about Havana Syndrome to Russian intelligence. NBC News reported, “Privately, CIA Director William Burns had referred to the incidents as attacks. One of Burns’ aides suffered symptoms during a trip to New Delhi in 2020.” In addition, “portable microwave weapons” are not considered by the scientific community to be a ludicrous explanation for Havana Syndrome symptoms.

According to the New York Times, “The interim findings left many victims dissatisfied, particularly current and former officials who have been battling chronic ailments for years without being given a clear explanation.”

So basically, Burns is calling everyone a bunch of Munchausen drama queens with desk jobs — who among us — but not revealing what the CIA has found to demystify the symptoms. Call me paranoid, which is a side effect of Havana Syndrome, but this seems like a classic case of they’re not telling us something. Either way, I trust the CIA will get to the bottom of this with their signature ethical research standards and commitment to transparency. As for government and military officials still experiencing symptoms — VOTE!