World’s Oldest Spider Monkey Just Keeps On Livin’

His haters are in anguish

World’s Oldest Spider Monkey.
Credit: Zoo Boise/Instagram
we love you elvis

Spider monkeys tend only to live between 20 and 40 years. They have their brief (but fulfilling) spider monkey lives and then exit toward spider monkey heaven, leaving the rest of us behind in hell. Try telling that to ol’ Elvis, though, the spider monkey we are gathered here to celebrate. It is Elvis’s 60th birthday. And indeed, it looks as though he may have been cursed with eternal life.

Elvis the spider monkey remains quite handsome — boyish, even — in his old age. Blue eyes, a black coat of fur, a white patch on his chest and his forehead, a monkey mouth. Oh, we do love Elvis.

“He is this anomaly and he’s still insanely active,” Jeff Agosta, public relations coordinator for Zoo Boise (where Elvis lives), told the Idaho Statesman. While the zoo is not sure about Elvis’s exact birthdate, he came to Zoo Boise from the Denver Zoo in 1973, and is estimated to have been born in 1962. His likes are: women. His dislikes are: Jeff Agosta. “Elvis does not like any of the males who work at the zoo,” Agosta said. “Specifically, he hates me.” And of course we support Elvis in hating Jeff Agosta.

Zoo Boise believes it is likely Elvis is the world’s oldest spider monkey due to the fact that he is old as hell, and nobody else is claiming to be older; similar to the recently deceased World’s Oldest Blogger, a title which has now been passed on to Choire Sicha.

What must it be like to be the oldest living spider monkey? All of your friends have long ago died. Jeff Agosta, your enemy, gets to exist with his God-given freedom and is able to speak on your behalf to the press, while you remain in animal prison having committed no crimes. It must be at least somewhat similar to being the Queen.

Elvis, we hope you are happy and feel well. We hope that living, and living, and living is not too difficult for you. We hope you have been given many of your favorite foods. And finally, we hope you one day get revenge on Jeff Agosta. Please let us know if we can be of assistance.

We are here for you, Elvis. Happy birthday.