Uh-Oh, Your Blood Is Full of Plastic

A new study found microplastics in human blood for the first time.

Beach pollution. Plastic bottles and other trash on sea beach. Ecological concept. earth day concept...
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The uh-oh alarm is ringing out its monophonic beep-boop version of “Barbie Girl,” and, as you know, that can only mean one thing: Science has determined you are one step closer to becoming one with the plastic bag from American Beauty or Katy Perry’s “Firework.” And it doesn’t seem good.

Yes, scientists in the Netherlands have found microplastics in human blood for the very first time. Sorry to have to tell you like this. And, no, it doesn’t seem rare; our tiny plastic friends (or, I guess, family members) showed up in about 80 percent of people tested. I’m no scientist myself, but from the results I feel comfortable theorizing: oh no.

The study, published in the journal Environment International, analyzed blood samples from 22 healthy adult donors, and found plastic particles in 17 of them. According to the Guardian, half of the samples contained PET plastic, which is commonly used in drink bottles, and a third contained polystyrene, which is commonly used in food packaging (and fake plastic trees). A quarter of the blood samples contained polyethylene, which is the plastic from which plastic bags are made. Yum!

Professor Dick Vethaak, an ecotoxicologist at Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam, told the Guardian that further studies with increased sample sizes are currently underway. “Our study is the first indication that we have polymer particles in our blood — ​it’s a breakthrough result,” he said. “But we have to extend the research and increase the sample sizes, the number of polymers assessed, etc.” He added that it is “certainly reasonable to be concerned,” which does seem right.

Vethaak’s previous research found that microplastics were 10 times higher in the feces of babies, compared with adults. “We also know in general that babies and young children are more vulnerable to chemical and particle exposure,” he said. “That worries me a lot.” Me too, doc.

So far it is unclear what this means for our health (something good, I bet), but I can tell you for a fact that in God’s eyes you are now, unfortunately, a disposable water bottle. Completely soulless; no longer made in His image. Just a sad turn of events all around. Sorry to see things end this way, and may water-bottle God have mercy on your plastic soul.