Pope Gives Thumbs Up on Premarital Sex


Pope Francis gives a thumbs-up as arrives for his weekly open-air general audience in St. Peter's Sq...
holy holy holy

Hey members of the Catholic faith, Gossip Girl here. It seems while you were busy baking Christmas cookies, P was defending a little Christmas nookie. Yes, looks like His Holiness doesn’t mind going down to extramarital pound town … at least when it’s compared to a sin like pride. But who can help but be prideful of a scoop like this? Maybe Paris archbishop Michel Aupetit will be able to boink his way into Heaven after all … Au revoir, mon amis. XOXO.

Wow that was really good. And it’s true — while flying from Greece to Italy on Monday, Pope Francis gave word to the press that loose fucking is actually not that bad, all things considered. The statement, according to Reuters, was prompted by the recent resignation of the Paris archbishop, who left his post after being accused of having a relationship with a woman against his vow of celibacy.

“Sins of the flesh are not the most serious,” Pope Francis said, adding that sins of hatred and pride are worse. "It was a failing against the sixth commandment [you shall not commit adultery] but not a total one, one of small caresses, massage given to his secretary — that is what the accusation is," the Pope said. "There is a sin there but not the worst kind."

Let those who have not caressed and massaged their secretary cast the first stone, as Jesus said. But it’s curious, then, why the Pope accepted Aupetit’s resignation, if he does not agree his actions warranted it. Luckily he addressed this. "I accepted the resignation of Aupetit not on the altar of truth, but on the altar of hypocrisy," he said. "He was condemned, but by whom? By public opinion, by gossip … he could no longer govern."

“GOSSIP!” You can imagine I said that as Philip Seymour Hoffman in Doubt. Yes it seems archbishop Michel Aupetit was a victim not of sin but of cancel culture. Tsk, tsk. This of course raises an important question: WWJC? (Who would Jesus cancel?) Certainly Hitler, but who else? I’m not sure; I can’t speak for the man. I’ll leave that to those who attended Divinity School.

“I ask forgiveness from those I might have hurt,” Aupetit said in a statement. “I have been deeply troubled by the attacks on me … I pray for those who, maybe, have wished bad things onto me, as Christ has taught us.”

Am I also praying for my haters? Well … that’s one secret I’ll never tell.