Please, Mr. Biden, Get My Dad the JFK Report in Time for Christmas

It would reclaim that holiday magic dads everywhere lost in the aftermath of the 1963 assassination

12 December 1962 President and Mrs. Kennedy make an appearance at the White House Staff Christmas Pa...
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boyhood wonder

This holiday season, dads don’t need gadgets or gizmos or golf balls under the tree. Dads don’t need or even want their entire family gathered hand in hand around a fat goose reciting grace. Dads need accountability. Dads need closure. Dads need answers about a traumatic event that’s tormented them since childhood. Happiness doesn’t come in a box, but 16,000 unredacted files pertaining to the 1963 assassination of John F. Kennedy do. It just has to be a really big box.

In October, a JFK assassination enthusiast society called the Mary Ferrell Foundation sued the Biden administration and the National Archives for the release of thousands of documents about Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who is widely identified as Kennedy’s sole assassin (He was killed by Dallas nightclub owner Jack Ruby while in police custody the day after he was arrested.)

According to Axios, the lawsuit argues that the federal government failed to follow through on releasing all records associated with the President John F. Kennedy Assassination Records Collection Act of 1992, which was passed in the wake of questions raised by Oliver Stone’s JFK. The records were supposed to be released in 2017, which both Trump and Biden delayed. The Mary Ferrell suit asks a judge to declare Biden’s delay moot and release the records as intended nearly 30 years ago.

Members of the Mary Ferrell Foundation – and dads across this great nation – believe that the CIA is hiding a possible connection between rogues in their own agency, Oswald, and the Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, who was a bit of a thorn in Kennedy’s side during his presidency. For over half a century, conspiracy theorists have claimed that Oswald worked on behalf of the Cuban government, or the American government, or Marilyn Monroe.

In a statement to NBC News, the CIA “said it is adhering to the JFK records act and Biden’s memo, which called for the release of the documents by Dec. 15. The National Archives and Records Administration, the agency in charge of the JFK documents, also said it’s complying with the law and the procedures Biden outlined.”

It would mean a lot to dads if Biden could get this done in time for Christmas. It might even win him reelection. But more importantly, it might help the dads. It’s been a hard year for everyone, and we need a glimmer of hope with regards to solving an ages-old mystery explicitly designed for American fathers. Speaking from personal experience, once my entire family went on vacation to Dallas to do assassination-related tourism, and we all wore these custom sweatshirts the entire time like a bunch of freaking dorks:

Let’s hope this goes down as the second best gift my dad will ever receive.