Old-Ass Nazi on the Run

How fast can she be at 96?

Presiding judge Dominik Gross (C) and the judges pose for the media after arriving for a trial again...
the grandmotherland

In the grand tradition of her lily-livered people, an old-ass lady Nazi has fled Hamburg mere hours before her trial for being an accessory to 11,000 counts of murder at Stutthof concentration camp 75 years ago. The 96-year-old in question, who was identified as Irmgard Furchner, had previously “announced she didn’t want to come” to the reading of her indictment in Itzehoe. You know who else didn’t want to come? Or couldn’t come, allegedly?

Because of her advanced age, like so many other heavy jowled pure-blooded leviathans currently on trial, Furchner wasn’t considered a flight risk. She has requested to be tried in juvenile court because her alleged crimes were committed when she was under 21.

Sutton Stracke, an ace Pinkerton in the agency’s department for nonagenarian ne’erdowelling, could not be reached for comment.