Honey, We’re All Proud of Your 400-Year-Old Italian Mummy Boyfriend

But we’ve actually heard enough about his calcified balls, okay? :)

Halloween, costume image. The mummy's hand in bandages making gestures. Love you, sweet mummy shows ...
E. coli queen

Honey, the girls and I have been talking, and we want to bring something up with you. We decided it would be best if just one of us approached you to talk about it, rather than all of us, and I volunteered, because you’re my friend, my soul mate, my sister! (Ha-ha.) Anyway, you need to stop talking about your 16th century Italian prince mummy boyfriend and the first ancient genome of E. Coli that was found in his gallbladder.

Image: Division of Paleopathology of the University of Pisa

We love your mummy boyfriend. I hope you know that. We love his crazy face, we love his super old body, we love that there’s like a hole in him for some reason, we love his mummy pose (hand over hand over groin). But it seems like all we talk about lately, as a group, is how he probably had chronic inflammation in his gallbladder due to gallstones, and how an international group of researchers reconstructed the genome of an E. coli from his calcified gallstones remains, and how this will help researchers figure out how E. coli evolved and adapted to become resistant to antibiotics.

Literally we don’t care. I’m sorry! I’m really sorry to say it so plainly, but we literally don’t care about absolutely any single part of this. It’s gross and boring, and frankly we all have our own boyfriends’ chronic inflammation to worry about. Have you asked me about Tom’s diarrhea lately? Yeah, well it’s not doing any better, not that you seem to care.

Yes, it is very “cool” that researchers published a story about your boyfriend this week in the journal Communications Biology. We liked your posts about it on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. But, and I don’t know if you remember this, when you introduced the topic of your boyfriend’s calcified gallstones you referred to them as “hard balls,” which I feel like was a trick to get us interested? Which is sort of a shitty thing to do, because frankly it worked. For a little while. But we’ve had enough.

Again, we all love you. I hope this talk wasn’t too painful. I hope it at least wasn’t as painful as it must have been for your old boyfriend to pass those gallstones 400 years ago, LOL.

Anyway love you, girl. Dinner soon? :)