Is This Baby Hippo the Second Coming of Christ?

All evidence points to yes.

Baby hippo with a halo on it's head next to his mom.
Randy Risling/Toronto Star/Getty Images
he is risen

“Stay awake. Be ready. You do not know the hour that the Lord is coming. Stay awake. Be ready. The Lord is coming soon.” Those are the lyrics to an acutely threatening song about the second coming of Christ that I had to sing as a child in Catholic school, and as it turns out they (the lyrics) were correct. Further, we do not know the form in which the Lord is coming. Or, we didn’t until today. The answer, you might be delighted to hear, is baby hippo. And the Lord is coming late summer 2022.

A different baby hippo

James D. Morgan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Hallelujah, hallelujah.

The Cincinnati Zoo announced today that internet celebrity Fiona the Hippo would soon become a “big sister” after Bibi, her mother, shocked the zoo’s staff by becoming pregnant. The pregnancy occurred after Bibi was introduced to an 18-year-old male hippo named Tucker, who “was enamored with 23-year-old Bibi right away,” according to the zoo’s press release. And of course we say: get it, mama.

Although the pair were meant to eventually breed, the Virgin Bibi was on birth control at the time of her immaculate conception.

“We weren’t planning to welcome a baby this soon,” said Christina Gorsuch, the Cincinnati Zoo’s director of animal care, “but nature found a way and ignored our calendar.” But because our new Holy Mother conceived right before the Easter holiday, we have no choice but to wonder whether it was, in fact, “nature” that found a way … or if it was the Holy Spirit?

To honor our fetal hippo Lord, please rise and join in singing the Nü Easter hymn “Hippo Christ Is Risen Today.”

Hippo Christ is risen too-da-ay
Our triumphant hippo bae
Whose mom once, while at the zoo
Got pregnant by you-know-who (the Holy Spirit)

Thank you, you may be seated. Hippo Amen.