2,554-Lb New York Pumpkin Breaks U.S. Record, Humiliates New Hampshire

And a human man takes all the credit

The Great Pumpkin Farm

Who will speak for the pumpkin? Many are left ruminating on this too-familiar sentiment after a large gourd broke the state and national records for heaviest pumpkin this week at the World Pumpkin Weigh-Off at the Great Pumpkin Farm near Buffalo, New York.

We do not know much about the pumpkin. We do not know the pumpkin’s name, nor do we know the pumpkin’s interests. We know only the pumpkin’s weight, an impressive 2,554 lbs., and the name of the man who oversaw the pumpkin’s record-breaking growth: Scott Andrusz.

According to Buffalo News, Anrusz, a Williamsville, New York resident, had set his sights only on breaking the New York record for heaviest pumpkin. Much to his surprise, his pumpkin easily broke the national record as well, humiliating the former record-holder from New Hampshire, whose pumpkin weighed an unimpressive 2,528 pounds. Again, we do not know that pumpkin’s name, though in light of its abasement it is probably for the best.

The world record for largest pumpkin was set in 2021 by a 2,702-pound Italian pumpkin. This pumpkin so far remains undefeated, though again the Guinness Book of World Records glory goes to the pumpkin’s human farmer.

Andrusz won $5000 for his “feat” of knowing a large pumpkin, according to WABC. The pumpkin received nothing for its accomplishment but humiliation and punishment. The pumpkin will sit on display at The Great Pumpkin Farm to be gawked at by unfeeling humans through Oct. 16. After that, according to Yahoo! News, Anrusz will scoop out its seeds in preparation for growing next year’s pumpkin.

Who will speak for the pumpkin? The question goes unanswered for now. But we can offer a poem.

Pumpkin I love you, I see you, you are
Under New York’s beaming sun — a star
My pumpkin, oh honey, I can only cry
Pumpkin, you’re heavy, and now you will die
Kill you, they will, just to scoop out your seed
In an unholy ritual, their own greed they feed
Never I’ll forget my large pumpkin sweetie
<3 you I do, because you’re so meaty

Thank you, pumpkin. And I’m sorry.