Brand Candles I Want to Smell

Every so often a brand will release a novelty scented candle. The candles are always produced in limited stock, and are created for the sole purpose of generating headlines like “Believe It or Not, [Brand] Made a [Something the Brand Sells or Something That Is Otherwise Associated With the Brand]-Scented Candle.” Does this tactic work to inspire sales of whatever these brands actually sell? I don’t know, but I would assume not. Yet the tactic lives on, tormenting us. The most recent brand to do it is Campbell’s.

According to Food & Wine, Campbell’s has released limited amounts of two Campbell's Soup-inspired candles: “Chicken Noodle Soup” and “Tomato Soup and Grilled Cheese.” Okay. The chicken noodle one has “notes of savory chicken, cloves and buttery crackers,” and the other one smells like "roasted tomato, peppercorn, and gooey grilled cheese.” Fine.

To me, these do not sound like good candles. They are trash without purpose, marketing items that have been created for someone to eventually throw away. That said, I believe there are a few brands that, if they decided to lean into scents associated with their products, could actually make good candles. I think a good candle would be more effective as a depraved marketing tactic, particularly if it were good enough to remain on sale rather than be produced in extremely limited quantities for the purpose of annoying me. Here are the brands that should do it:

HOME DEPOT

Sawdust, spray paint, PVC pipe, linoleum, potting soil, lightbulbs. Home Depot has an exquisite scent. If Home Depot could collaborate with Cire Trudon on a “Home Depot”-scented candle, I think it would, if not increase awareness of Home Depot, at least offer an alternative revenue stream for the company. It would be very enjoyable.

PAYLESS SHOE STORE

God, Payless smelled so good … fake leather, shoe plastic. I know the store doesn’t exist anymore, but I saw Payless was trending on Twitter the other day for some reason, so I think there must be something to be gained by creating this candle. If Diptyque could reach out to whoever owns the idea of Payless I think we could get something really good going.

THE POPE

Coming off of an enormous misstep, the Pope’s brand needs a boost. Why not partner with Frédéric Malle to make a Vatican-scented candle? A calming blend of warm incense and shame. I’ve chosen Frédéric Malle because they already have a really good Notre Dame scented candle; honestly they could just repackage that one.

SHELL GAS STATION

We’ve already discussed this incredible idea.

KOST TIRE AND AUTO

Kind of similar to the last one, but I would buy both.

WHATEVER COMPANY MAKES THE GLUE THEY USE TO PASTE CATALOGS TOGETHER

I love opening a catalog and taking a huge whiff of whatever glue they use in there … god that shit is so good. This sounds like it would be a D.S. & Durga candle but I wouldn’t mind if Cire Trudon took another stab at one of these.

I’m sure there are others. I’ll think about it and get back to you.