12 Days of Gift Guides: What the Gawker Staff Wants, But Can Never Have
Paired with more attainable things we’d also like.
Life is not about things. It isn’t about possessions, the sort of gifts you can buy. It doesn’t begin and end with the shiny new toys Santa Claus has for us in his bulging Santa sack. No. And it isn’t about happiness, either.
Life is about unattainable desires that will never be met. Life is about the wishes that pile up on our chests and leave us gasping for air in a state of longing until death. Life is about the conditions we wish we could change, the moments we wish we could take back, the kind of person we wish we could be or stop being if just for a moment. The things that choke us. Everything we will never have. Yes, this is the stuff of life. And here at Gawker we’ve spent a bit of time thinking about what we would want, if only everything were different.
(And then, alternatively, a gift you can buy for us at the store.)
BRANDY JENSEN, FEATURES EDITOR
What she wants:
“The experience of walking into a party or other social function sure in the knowledge that I have worn precisely the right thing.”
What you can get her instead:
A new rice cooker.
SARAH HAGI, CONTRIBUTING WRITER
What she wants:
“I want to just not exist for a little bit. Not be dead, not be in a coma. Just not existing for maybe two or three weeks, then to come back like nothing happened. I must clarify: This isn’t the same thing as dying.”
What you can get her instead:
OLIVIA CRAIGHEAD, STAFF WRITER
What she wants:
“I would love to eradicate the fear of aging (and thus changing physically). It would be nice to not stare at the little lines between my eyebrows and seriously consider whether or not I should be getting preventative Botox at 26 years old. To be able to comfortably age into an old crone over the next several decades would be the greatest gift of all.”
What you can get her instead:
Forehead & Between Eyes Wrinkle Patches
JACK KOLOSKUS, ART DIRECTOR
What he wants:
“I think sometimes about what it would be like if you could put your current life on pause, and then go and live the entirety of another life, as either another person or possibly even an animal, with the ability to retain roughly your current mind through the process, and then return to this one upon death or maybe whenever you want. To be able to live an entire life with the assurance that you'll return to something you know upon its completion would be so comforting, and imagine all that you could learn. How small the problems you face today would seem if tomorrow you could approach them with an entire lifetime of wisdom from another life. What would you learn about your own life is actually trivial? What would you learn about your own life that's actually vital? How much better would you live?”
What you can get him instead:
A flower pot.
ALLIE JONES, CONTRIBUTING WRITER
What she wants:
“I would love the ability to stop time, like in the Adam Sandler movie Click. I don't want to fast forward or rewind — just pause. It would be so nice to rest and not fall behind. Anyway, I'm fine!”
What you can get her instead:
Caudalie Vinoperfect Radiance Serum
JOCELYN SILVER, MANAGING EDITOR
What she wants:
“So many things. To know what really happened to Shelly Miscavige. The wristwatch from the 2002 Jesse Bradford vehicle Clockstoppers, in which the wearer can stop time. Love, acceptance. A Luis Barragán-designed swimming pool. Nicer nails.”
What you can get her instead:
Santa Maria Novella soap in Melograno, Gaetano Pesce coasters, and this $1,000 blanket depicting the myth of Zeus "seducing" Leda while disguised as a swan.
LEAH FINNEGAN, EDITOR IN CHIEF
What she wants:
“For my dog to live forever.”
What you can get her instead:
CLAIRE CARUSILLO, CONTRIBUTING WRITER
What she wants:
“I want to be able to know a version of myself that I can trust to be solid, no matter what. I can probably clock the exact day in 2003 when I first developed an awareness of myself that I no longer felt neutral about. We don't have to get into it all now, but I didn't trust who I'd be in five minutes, nor in five days or five weeks, and I developed a pretty crushing twin case of agoraphobia and panic disorder that's gotten better with age and medication, but will never quite abate. My social anxiety seems to be the hold over from that dark era, and it isn't cute in a ‘Sometimes I drink too much!’ way or a ‘I'm always saying crazy stuff!’ way, even though I often do. Because, bafflingly, people like me better when I do those things.
I go into this mode that I refer to internally as Baby Party Clown, where I am the blinking little jester in a smocked dress and a top knot, acting silly and asking follow-up questions, because those are actions I can take to keep the conversation moving without having to talk about the version of myself that isn't Baby Party Clown. And I'm worried I can't access a version of myself that isn't her anymore.
I want Baby Party Clown to die, and I want to know that I can agree to a plan for Friday on a Monday and not worry the entire week that follows about what that social experience will be like, because I can trust myself. I have a hunch I am probably a person who is thoughtful and empathetic, but I can't get this other half of myself out of bed to meet her.”
What you can get her instead:
Laneige Lip Glowy Balm in pear, grapefruit, gummy bear, berry, AND peach.
GEORGE CIVERIS, SENIOR EDITOR
What he wants:
“To feel in control.”
What you can get him instead:
Cashmere.
JENNY ZHANG, STAFF FEATURES WRITER
What she wants:
“One redo in life.”
What you can get her instead:
Punch needle rug making kit for beginners.
KELLY CONABOY, SENIOR FEATURES WRITER
What she wants:
“I’d like to be happy in my life. Satisfied with where I am in my career and in my relationships, while holding onto ambition and hope for the future. Of course this will never be the case.”
What you can get her instead:
DARCIE WILDER, SENIOR SOCIAL MEDIA EDITOR
What she wants:
“Giving and receiving the feelings of love and security without obligation or stagnation.”
What you can get her instead:
Cafelat Robot Manual Lever Espresso Maker (in green or blue).
TAMMIE TECLEMARIAM, CONTRIBUTING WRITER
What she wants:
“To be a size 10 shoe instead of 11 because most styles only go up to 10.5.”
What you can get her instead:
TARPLEY HITT, STAFF WRITER
What she wants:
“A world where no one dies, except in extreme cases by super majority vote of the population, but there's also enough resources and planet life for everyone to get along fine. Everyone stops growing sometime in their 40s.”
What you can get her instead:
A microwave. I don't have one.
Here at Gawker we’re running 12 Days of Gift Guides. Previously: Gifts for People With Bad Taste.
