Is the Omniscient 'I' in BuzzFeed Headlines OK?
I want to help but I don't know how
I’m worried about my best friend, the omniscient “I” narrating most BuzzFeed headlines. She has everything: a killer job, an encyclopedic knowledge of movies and pop culture, and millions of fans. But that’s a lot for one person. She cannot stop FREAKING OUT, and she often uses humor to deflect from her very real, persistent, mental health struggles. As a concerned friend and supportive reader of her work, I’ve done some digging on her behalf to chart her wellness journey over the last few months. This is what I’ve discovered. I hope it gets into the right hands.
November 21, 2021
The trouble seems to start here, when the new version of Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well” drops. At first, Cassie (that’s what I’m calling her — Cassie) seems to delight in the communal joy of freaking out alongside her fellow Swifties. By the second half of the headline, though, existential loneliness hits. She’s not doing so hot.
November 23, 2021
Just two days later, she seems to be in a space that is at odds with reality. I see no correlation between Starbucks orders and the ability to read the minds of parents worldwide, but Cassie does. Still, she’s out there, socializing, making connections, doing basic math.
November 23, 2021
Later that day, Cassie gets home. Roommates are out. All alone. Parenthood is still on her mind. She’s engaging in a bit of magical thinking. It’s impossible for Cassie to be pregnant but…what if…maybe? Just maybe? She’d love her baby so much. Having a baby could complete her? Her baby would be so nice and cute — a friend.
December 2, 2021
Thanksgiving, the beginning of the holiday season, is hard for a lot of us. Cassie doesn’t have many people to reach out to. In fact, her only tether to the world outside her bedroom is an anecdote about Dakota Johnson giving Olivia Coleman a stick-and-poke. While others are spending quality time with family and friends, this is what Cassie’s living for.
December 19, 2021
A few weeks later, after spending some time on the forums, Cassie gets into some Q Anon-adjacent rabbit holes, giving into the psychosis of American exceptionalism. Unlike the people in her life, her country has always been there for her, she thinks. This is where the situation tips from dicey to concerning.
December 22, 2021
By December 22, three days before Christmas, she’s cackling alone in her bedroom at old photos of Joe Jonas.
January 19, 2022
Complete ego death. Is this peace? Or is this total disassociation? Cassie decides it’s the former. But I’m not sure she can make decisions for herself at this point.
January 20, 2022
How is January more than halfway over? Cassie thinks maybe meditation and exercise could help things. She starts her resolutions only 20 days late.
February 3, 2022
Didn’t work. She’s unwell again. The smallest things set her off. Finally isolated for good from everyone in her life, and at this point betrayed by thousands of beauty and skincare products, she turns to the people on TV for comfort. She thinks Miranda is her friend. She’s identifying as a Carrie, a classic sign of delusional thinking.
February 8, 2022
Could socializing help fill the void? We are running out of options here.
February 8, 2022
What happened is she went home early, read Will Smith’s memoir, and heightened her already parasocial relationship with the Pinkett-Smith clan. Cassie can’t stop calling him “Uncle Will.” She’s Googling the name “Will Smith” and dialing every number she finds. “It’s me, your niece, Uncle Will,” she says. “Who?” All the random other Will Smiths wonder.
February 8, 2022
Cassie’s convinced herself she isn’t *exactly* psychic, but she can still guess anyone’s age and zodiac sign based on their fried food preference. Just tell her! Please — just say anything.
February 9, 2022
This isn’t funny anymore. This very blog post feels exploitative, destined to be rightly called out in a documentary 20 years from now about how the media failed Cassie. I will not be part of the problem anymore — I’m calling her landlord to do a wellness check.
February 14, 2022
We’ve lost her.
