Another Tiger King? Sorry But We're Vaccinated Now

The sequel just won’t feel the same when you are able to leave the house

goodbye kitty

There are certain cultural totems that I relied upon heavily during those dark spring and summer months of 2020 that trigger repulsion in me now. I’m done with orzo forever because during that time I ate orzo with lemon and basil two meals a day for weeks. I can’t listen to the Fiona Apple album Fetch the Bolt Cutters because it brings back memories of laying in a dirty bathtub beside a waterlogged iPhone speaker, wondering if I’d ever be able to go outside again. The sight of tie dye makes me nauseous; I can’t look at the technicolor vistas of Paper Mario without muttering something anti-Italian under my breath.

But nothing makes me sicker than a certain documentary program that gripped the entire nation by our fashion mullets for a few days in March. I’m talking of course about Tiger King, the Netflix docuseries about big cat parks, plural marriage, and alleged murder-for-hire schemes.

The season 2 trailer dropped this morning, a year and a half later, and it elevates the drama of season 1 considerably. Joe Exotic, the series’ antihero, calls from prison. The other guys at the zoo are buying custom chains. Carole Baskin drives a golf cart. Tigers. A Broadway tune previously utilized pretty effectively in a different brainless quarantine fave. Something about Costa Rica?

Looks killer.

And yet. I cannot do this again. I cannot return to this hypnotic chain-linked Weird Florida jungle imagery. I refuse to engage in any academic debates about teeth and class. No more GIFs and no more It Me-ing anyone involved. We’re vaccinated, we’re trying to build back better, and we’re relying on ourselves again. We’re not Googling anyone’s wives. We’re done here.