Advent Calendar Death Match: Candy Vs. Candy
The final death match of the holiday season
Advent Calendar Death Match is a four-part series pitting Advent calendars against each other in a fight to the death. Previously: crystals vs. The Office vs. skin.
When the Magi brought gifts to the baby Jesus, they gave him gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Ever since, a great theological debate has been: Should they have instead given him candy?
Obviously one question we have to consider is, did candy even exist then? Well, I couldn’t tell you. I bet they had something like candy, if not candy as we know it today. And is it responsible to give a baby candy? That question is best left to the discretion of the baby’s parents, who are in this case God and the Virgin Mary. If God says the baby can have candy, well, that’s his choice. But it probably would have to be one of those goo candies, like sour goo, because babies don’t usually have any liddow teef yet, and you don’t want baby Jesus choking on a bon bon. Or maybe you do? Was his survival a net negative? That’s something for you to think about over Christmastime.
In this final edition of Advent Calendar Death Match, we’re pitting two candy Advent calendars against each other, in honor of what the baby Jesus never had (candy). Competing today we have: Vosges’s “Haut-Chocolate Calendar of Advent” ($195) vs. Lady M’s “Winter Wishes Holiday Advent Calendar” ($80). Let’s see how they do.
CHRISTMAS MAGIC:
Lady M: Lady M’s Advent calendar is circular, sort of like a lazy Susan, and in the middle is a removable snow globe featuring the New York City skyline. Ah, New York City at Christmastime … it’s a magical place in one’s mind, but in reality it is a hell on earth I’d rather die than spend more than 15 minutes within. Crowded streets, people stopping suddenly, crowds, lots of people moving slowly in a clump, crowds. Lady M’s festive snowglobe, however, is blissfully people-free, and allows one to indulge in that romantic idea of New York City at Christmastime safely and without internal anger. Love it.
Rating: 8/10
Vosges: Please sit down. I have an announcement to make and I do not want you passing out from shock and suing me for all I’m worth, which is nothing. Vosges’s “Haut-Chocolate Calendar of Advent” is by far (pause while reading to build suspense) the most (pause again) Christmas magical Advent calendar … I have ever come across … not only during our Death Match season, but ever … IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!
The calendar is in the shape of a townhouse decked out for Christmas, and on the inside there’s a sort of pop-up display of ballet dancers, nutcrackers, and a Christmas tree. On the side of the calendar there’s a switch, and when you flip the switch the calendar lights up and plays “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.” (The calendar comes with a charger.) It’s fucking insane, I love it so much, and it gets +5 bonus points that will be awarded in the appropriate section.
Rating: 10/10 (+5 later)
THE NUMBERS:
Lady M: The numbers are out of order, which is correct. Plus you sort of have to spin the calendar to find them, making the middle snow globe “activate,” so to speak, which is wonderful. Great work.
Rating: 10/10
Vosges: The numbers are in order. [Crowd boos.]
Rating: 5/10
THE GIFTS:
Lady M: I really wanted to like the Lady M calendar’s gifts. This is how they’re described: “Lift one tab a day to reveal 24 exclusive confections from Lady M Bon Bon, including flavors such as Red Velvet Crunch Bites, Apple Cider Jellies, and numerous new custom candy flavors.” It sounds good, but ultimately it gives a sense of like … “Is this what people in Europe think candy is?” Lady M is not European, as far as I know, but the confections are like … jellies that aren’t even sour and like … chocolate-covered nuts. Is that British? I’m sure someone likes this, probably in London, but unfortunately I do not, no offense.
Rating: 6/10
Vosges: Now this is what I’m talkin’ about. Chocolate gnomes, chocolate-covered candied orange slices, chocolate-covered toffee, gingerbread brittle, truffles, a caramel and chocolate-covered marshmallow. Hell yeah. Fuck yes. I wish I had 100 of these calendars. I could eat this shit all day. This one gets another +5 bonus points.
Rating: 10/10 (+5 later)
THE GIFT UNVEILING PROCESS:
Lady M: I hate to keep being rude to Lady M, because frankly I do love her, but this one featured the kind of punch-hole tabs that I (famously) dislike. Sad. Still love her, though.
Rating: 6.5/10
Vosges: Of course, I would expect nothing less from the best Advent calendar I’ve ever beheld than my favorite gift unveiling process: little drawers. Absolute perfection. I’m keeping this one in the attic and figuring out what to do with it next year, I don’t care what my boyfriend says.
Rating: 10/10
BONUS:
Lady M: N/A
Vosges: +10
FINAL TALLIES:
Lady M: 30.5
Vosges: 45
