Trend Forecast: Hunkering Down in 2022

In-bedroom shrimp tanks are the new Sopranos

Macro shot of baby young post larvae of pacific white shrimp (P. vannamei) swimming in the aquarium ...

If there’s one thing I learned last winter, the loneliest of my life, it’s that darkness and isolation breed consumption. Online shopping and dedicating oneself to crafts didn’t work all that well as a salve for the injured soul last year; if we’re going to survive this winter, we’re going to have to buy new stuff and watch new programming, buoyed by the promise that those acts alone will make us new people.

In 2022, we are upping the ante. Here’s how you’ll be spending the season:

2021: Air frying

2022: At-home raclette

Air frying was never all that. You’re going to have a chicken thigh that’s burnt on the outside and pink as a human asscheek inside. Nothing tastes good air-fried. This year, we’re abandoning all pretense. We’re buying this at-home raclette machine for $164. It warms cheese.

2021: HBO’s The Sopranos

2022: HBO’s Autopsy

It’s not scripted, but it is arguably less anti-Italian American.

2021: Supply chain issues

2022: Issues of Betty & Veronica Double Digest

More fun to read than tabloids now that your livelihood is writing about Queen Elizabeth and Jojo Siwa.

2021: Espresso martinis

2022: Pudding cups with smashed Oreos on top that look like dirt and gummy worms with a shot of Midori melon liqueur on the side.

It accomplishes the exact same three-minute-long-and-not-a-second-more euphoria, plus it’s good exposure therapy for when, in seven years, we’ll all be scavenging for food.

2021: Walking dates

2022: Reading Gawker out loud to your lover in the park off an iPad like when Bradley Cooper read Lolita to Suki Waterhouse

You know the one, I think. I think you and your date would enjoy much of our content.

2021: Amateur bread baking

2022: Amateur wheat harvesting

Have you ever wondered how a beautiful stalk of wheat waving in a field in central Indiana can turn into a pasta noodle? You’ve got the time and the skill to learn this year.

2021: Indoor plants

2022: In-bedroom shrimp tanks

Why go through the water-on-the-floor thing again? Harvest your own shrimp. It’s fun for little kids and lovers to ooh and ahh at, plus it’s cheaper and safer than going out for dinner if you’ve got a good meat thermometer. Shrimp freezes well too, raw or cooked, and it might be nice to have easily accessible protein.

2021: Tie dyeing

2022: Nautical rope instruction via Klutz kit, with the intention of setting sail to an unknown Utopia

The Klutz Book of Knots is a stone cold classic for a reason, and it’s much harder to ruin a bathtub with it. A companion activity: Beadlings.

2021: Nap dresses

2022: CPAP machines

You’re never going to solve your way out of an insomnia problem by binding your boobs with smocking with the wild hope that maybe if you happen to die in the night someone will find an ethereal looking corpse. No way. This year, we’re accessorizing just a little differently. Access to an oxygen tank, especially while sleeping in a bunker or in a room with eight other long-haired women, is essential for survival.

2021: Rescue dogs

2022: Purebred Mexican xoloitzcuintles

Puppy mills are back, baby, and hairless dogs never left. Xolo dogs are intimidating, unlike your rescue dog who is afraid of the wind.

2021: Olivia Rodrigo’s “Driver’s License”

2022: Renewing your driver’s license

It’s a relatively safe activity that can occupy non-work hours for two whole weeks, especially if you’re like me and you realized you’ve been using a suspended license for six months because there was a warrant out for your arrest in southern Utah for an unpaid speeding ticket. Once renewed, you can go anywhere, find a new guru, stop drinking Midori and doing weed alone. Strap your dog in. Bring clean drinking water, flour, and shrimp.

2021: Ivermectin

2022: The cult of Mary Ruth and her liquid vitamins

We’re taking care of our gut microbiomes and sorry, I don’t always like to work blue like this, but I think Mary Ruth’s Liquid Plant-Based Probiotic accomplishes almost the exact same level of pants-pooping as the horse dewormer does, just without the risk of your stomach lining dropping out. Mary Ruth, the titular vitamin impresario, seems to be engaging in some Goop-level Leaning In, and she might be a good new mommy/community leader for you in your new life.

2021: Loneliness and sexlessness

2022: Smiling quietly looking at photos of fennec foxes you saved to your phone on before the country’s internet grid tanked

You can show your purebred xolo dog too, if you’d like.