This New Start-Up Is Selling the Last Mattress You'll Ever Need

If anyone’s looking for a thought experiment to keep your mind occupied for anywhere between 30 seconds and 15 minutes, might I suggest trying to think of industries that the Instagram ad market for young millennials and old zoomers hasn’t attempted to aestheticize? Once I was doing this, and the only thing I could think of was “a basketball.” But I was wrong. “A basketball” has been disrupted by Chance, a company that promises to “spread positivity one ball at a time.” Their balls are quite chic. I’d like the Sebastian, but only to impress men.

If you’re here thinking, “A coffin. A coffin is the only industry that hasn’t cut out the middleman and been made to look more Danish,” well all I can say is, “Your funeral, buddy!” because Titan Casket is doing just that. According to a perfect Geekwire headline, “This casket startup is taking on Big Funeral with a focus on direct-to-consumer innovation.”

Caskets are a significant funeral expense, and Titan promises that if you buy a casket directly from them, the consumer will save up to 85 percent versus buying directly from the old guard at funeral homes. You can either buy the casket and store it yourself, or Titan will allow you to pay now and they’ll send the coffin “at the time of need.”

This is just like those mattresses in a box. This is a mattress in a box, if you think about it, and you’re not even going to need that 365-night free trial. Don’t think about it too hard. I’m so afraid to die, too.

Like most other start-ups, Titan also has a newsletter, contour drawing graphics, a little chat bubble so you can talk to a trusted expert, and a consumer quiz (I’m an INFJ and my skin type is combination; I gave them my email and phone number.) The site is Shop Pay compatible.

They also let you design your own casket! Look at this tasteful and understated color-blocked coffin I made for myself via Titan with a special prayer-hand emoji head panel design on the rosetan velvet. (I was inspired by the designers at the basketball startup.)

My coffin in the most popular “Orion” styleway was only $1,549, even with the upgrades I made in hardware and steel. I also threw in a rubber gasket sealer and lock for the small fee of $100, because I’m not gonna be the one paying for it. It will be available to ship between August 13 and August 20, which is, not for nothing, the day before my 30th birthday.

What might coffins look like for other people? I made for my favorite celebrity Olivia Rodrigo that serves as an ornamental nod to the color story of her debut album Sour. I skimped on the hardware for this one, so it was only $1,099.

I selected a rose gold casket for my second favorite and eternally relevant celebrity Paris Hilton, who died as she slived, with great joy. This is the appropriately named Paris Rose casket, which has embroidered detailing and goes for just $1,199. With a few adjustments, Tinsley Mortimer might also look great in this piece.

I made a $1,944 natural, unbleached, earth-friendly seagrass and willow casket with a ¾ viewing lid for natural mama Jessica Alba.

I wanted the guys to get in on the fun, too, so I designed a coffin for Andrew Cuomo. I thought the $1,699 black-and-red Civilian casket, the non-conscripted version of Titan’s popular military series (no military discount here, though), had a certain dignity to it. One of his dorters might be able to get a $7 Excelsior iron-on patch on eBay for the head panel.

You can make one of your own here. Are you literally dead rn or what?