Stop Eating Raw Cake Batter — IMMEDIATELY!
Put down the spoon right now.
You know I hate to bring you bad news, particularly right before TGIF. It brings me no pleasure to do so. But according to the CDC, and until further notice, we have to wean you off the cream. We have to shatter your love of batter, and we have to make you bake the cake, lest you get a bellyache. Yes, that’s right: You must stop eating raw cake batter immediately, even though you love it and it is in fact your favorite. And you can’t eat it again until further notice.
Stop, I know.
According to a report from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 16 people in 12 states have been infected with the same strain of the E. coli bacteria, as of July 27. How did they all get that strain of E. coli bacteria? It seems likely that it came from your beloved snack that has never once betrayed you in the past: raw cake batter. Those suffering from the infection range in age from 2 to 73, and they are so far all women. Seven people have been hospitalized, but there have been no reported deaths.
The CDC has not yet figured out what brand has led to the outbreak; while most of those infected had raw cake batter in common, they did not have a common brand. The CDC is still looking into that aspect, but they have determined that the bacteria found in the samples of those infected was closely related in terms of genetics. “This means that people in this outbreak likely got sick from the same food,” the CDC said.
I know you’re going to have questions and I will do my best to answer them.
Can I have just a little bit of raw cake batter?
No, I’m sorry.
Just one spoonful?
No.
Just if I lick the bowl?
No.
Is the E. coli sexist because of how it’s in all women?
Yes, it seems to be.
What if there is raw cake batter on my thumb and I lick it off?
I wouldn’t recommend it.
If I have just a little, is that fine?
No.
Come on, please?
No.
This is ruining my life?
I know.
Shouldn’t my stomach actually cook the batter because it’s hot inside the body, so once it’s there it actually isn’t raw anymore?
No.
I just think that if I have only a little, that’s fine?
No.
Thank you for your patience at this time. We will alert you when the situation changes.
