Some Euphemisms for Sex I've Seen While Shopping for a Bed Frame

They're not great

Shaker Bed, 1935/1942. Artist Elbert S. Mowery. (Photo by by Heritage Art/Heritage Images via Getty ...
Heritage Images/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Beast With Two Backs

I recently purchased a bed frame, which used to involve going to a furniture store and saying “that one looks nice” but has been made both much cheaper and much worse through the necessity of having to spend time on the computer. There are many websites that sell bed frames, and they all look pretty okay to me, but the idea that one is moderately or even slightly more okay than the rest is a haunting proposition, which fuels a kind of manic, clicking-back-and-forth fugue state that is the fundamental condition of spending time on the computer.

I found one, eventually, though it has not arrived so no telling yet if I made the right decision. I made a decision, which is often good enough. Mainly what prompted me to finally say “fuck it, this one will do” was the increasingly unbearable state of bed frame reviews, where helpful people want to convey that a bed frame is either adequate or inadequate to the task of “having sex on it” without actually uttering the word “sex.”

Here are a few euphemisms I read for sex, in the reviews section of various bed frames:

  • Hanky panky
  • Horizontal mambo
  • Naughty time
  • After-dark delights
  • Mommy and daddy exercise
  • Working up a sweat *wink wink*
  • Put her (the bed, presumably? I hope?) through her paces
  • Adult activities

You know what is an adult activity, Linda? Shopping for a bed frame online. We’re all grown-ups here.

If you would like to help other bed frame shoppers make an informed decision, kindly just say, “I’ve had a lot of sex on this bed and find it good for that.” Or, if you simply must take hold of your pearls, “it is very sturdy.”