So Spake 'th’ Guardian': Thy Youth Has't Updat'd Their Stylings

Dust off your filthy old bones, you disgusting ghouls. You geriatric goblins. You hideous crones desperate to once again feel the carefree rush of youth; pressing your face up against the glass of it, your parched tongue desperate for just a drop of the palliative nectar that comes with attempting to interpret its signals and live according to their inferred rule. A crude facsimile of happiness. A grasp at smoke.

The young people are reportedly dressing “preppy” now.

“Loafers, blazers, argyle and rugby shirts might sound more like classic boomer wardrobe staples, but with the preppy look back in fashion they are also increasingly likely to be found on 20-somethings this autumn,” spake the Guardian. Oh, nay! Nay, youth! What will we do with our carefully obtain-ed streetwear! The Guardian spake futh'r:

“The luxury resale site The Real Real reports that searches for the streetwear brands Vetements and Yeezy are down 24 and 25% respectively, while searches for the classic preppy brand Ralph Lauren are up by 238%. Depop, meanwhile, has recorded a 57% increase in searches for “prep” or “preppy” since June, with searches for Ralph Lauren up by 29%.”

Thy tastes hath not escape us, youth. We seeth the “Tik Tok” hashtag #oldmoneyaesthetic is popular (if problematic)! 33 million views, youth! We're onto thee, and we shalt nev'r f'rget — through it beest true our mem'ry ails us!

Aging swine, you’ve heard your decree! You’ve gotten your orders! To the Ralph Lauren store — forthwith!