Osama bin Laden's Erection Secret

In a bombshell New York Post report that is actually just a press release for a new book called The Rise and Fall of Osama bin Laden, author Peter Bergen spills the influencer’s wellness routine that kept him glowing, grounded, and fully erect.

“He drank Avena, a syrup made from oats that claims to have Viagra-like effects, and he ate copious amounts of olives, which he believed produced similar results. He also regularly applied Just for Men dye to his beard,” the Post quoted from the book. According to The Guardian, he also loved dates, lamb, and yogurt.

I am a bit of a wellness expert, too, but I hadn’t heard this one before. I Googled “how to get an erection” and then command+Fed for “olives” and then “oats” on the results page.

I peered through the fingers I’d placed over my eyes to shield myself from pornography, and dove in.

Nothing. The closest thing I found was the suggestion of “olive oil” in an article called 22 Ways to Get Harder Erections Without Medication.

When I Googled “do olives and oats give you an erection?” I found an article that said porridge “might not be the sexiest of meals” but increases blood flow to the penis.

Huh. It’s sad to think that had Osama survived the Seal Team Six raid on his Abbottabad compound he could have become a wellness expert with an actual idea. Knowledge and also making savory breakfast for my family are the ultimate aphrodisiacs, and now I’m rock hard, just like bin Laden.