New Reality Show Idea: ‘Tree House’

It's about sexy seasonal employees slinging trees

Traditional Christmas trees are sold at Stary Kleparz marketplace during the coronavirus pandemic in...
NurPhoto/NurPhoto/Getty Images
Fir Real

Due to travel restrictions, small parties, and disease, reality shows are pretty bad right now. Bus travel is not luxurious or interesting to watch, and I miss the reaction shots of fellow diners now that all my blonde Christian mothers on Real Housewives of Salt Lake City and Orange Countyare fighting in empty restaurants. The only shows that have managed to stay interesting are the reality programs where people live in a house together and are filmed while sleeping.

With that in mind, I have a new idea for a reality show filled with sexy farm singles: Tree House.

Hear me out. Tree House is about the New York City Christmas tree vendors who truck into the city at the end of November and take shifts sleeping in hotel rooms together while they’re not working. In the grand tradition of Bravo’s Summer House and Winter House, Tree House will be about hook-ups, cramped quarters, never cleaning up the communal kitchenette, eventual boohoo USA Instagram influencing deals for the stars, and loose pine needles all over the damn bathroom floor. It will ideally air on Bravo.

It’ll be easy to secure locations for the shoot: New York City doesn’t require permits for tree venders. Set designers can set up the living quarters in a hotel or they can retrofit an unused office suite in an emptied Midtown office building for bunking and drinking games. I’d love to see an indoor, above-ground hot tub. I’d love to see bikinis and espresso martinis. Simple livin’ guys in the big city. Shattered ornaments. Close ups on Santa’s lap. Boughs of holly. Sap mishaps.

Casting directors will ensure the guys are buff and burly and the girls are strong and wiry, and then Christmastime in New York City will do the rest. According to The Outline, many current-day vendors come from old tree-selling families. Others are newer to it. This dynamic easily lends itself to the new guard/old guard mentality that so many Housewives franchises rely on for friction.

I’d love to see a hot girl from New Hampshire named Sara (no H) in braids and a beanie drink on the job and call her coworker a cunt for taking too long in a Pret a Manger bathroom freshening up. I’d love to see a Canadian who is only called by a variation of his last name like Sully or Schoppy impale his own eyeball with a pine needle by mistake. I’d love him to wear an eyepatch for two episodes, but his coworkers get used to it and stop commenting on it. I wanna hear sex noises with subtitles that say [slurping noises] and [giggling] as the camera films the outside of the warming hut.

It doesn’t have to be more than five episodes long, as the premise cannot possibly sustain itself for longer. I am all right with spin-offs such as Tree House: Big Tree Truck or Tree House: Boston. I really think this is a great idea.