New New Year's Traditions

We have to go bigger and more superstitious for 2022

Fireworks with Night Sky Background
auld lang sigh

The holidays this year felt even more complicated than they did last year, and it’s clear our traditions — goofy glasses, champagne towers, New Year’s kiss with your dog — are not working anymore to stave off COVID depression. Here are some step-by-step instructions on how to ring in 2022 with auspice and deep superstition. Goodbye, lunatics!

Cream Floor

Inspired by an apparent Swiss tradition that I heard about six years ago that this Subreddit tells me is not real, drop a little bit of ice cream on the floor to get the first devastation of the year out of the way. You must drop moisturizer into the rug, and the bottle has to be at least at the Drunk Elephant price point or more. You have to stage whisper cream floor while you do it.

Paranormal “Happy Birthday, Morris Chestnut” Mirror Invocation

The hot hunk turns 53 at the stroke of midnight. If you chant his name into the mirror three times in a dark room, he will appear and tell you his exact creative process to get into the right mindset to play Lance in The Best Man Holiday.

Cinnamon Toast Bonfire

Burn 85 pieces of cinnamon toast in a row to commemorate the Instagram followers you lost earlier in the evening after posting a series of self-made infographics about how you don’t think the whole Elizabeth Holmes/Theranos thing was that big of a deal.

Q-Tip Ear Canal Puncture

But once a year you are permitted to indulge in this act. You get 30 in-and-outs per ear and that’s it for the year.

Phone Charger Cake Hunt

Bake a charging cube into a yellow cake. Whoever finds it gets a new phone charger. Bonus idea: hide a Walgreens-brand USB cord in a carton of sesame noodles.

Lisa Rinna’s Daughters Wellness Check

The minutes between 12:00 and 12:20 a.m. on New Year’s Day are the only times you are permitted to see what Amelia Gray and Delilah Belle are up to, lest the ancient Hamlin family curse follow you around for the rest of the year.

Mass Unsubscribe from Underwear Marketing Emails

Old Albanian tradition.

Gratitudinal Sound Bath

Three Egg Mouth

Put three whole eggs in your mouth to symbolize fertility.

The Recitation of the Lohan

Read the correspondence between Lindsay Lohan and the studio on the set of Georgia Rule in the summer of 2009. You have to use an old timey Mid-Atlantic accent or the magic won’t work.

Sixth G Contact in Phone “u up?” Text

Mine is Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand’s office, and she never is.

Let Bygones Be at the Forefront of Your Mind

Don’t be a sucker. Don’t forget who slighted you, and never stop keeping the score.

Wet Book

Dunk a hard cover into a slop sink to acquaint oneself for impermanence for the year. Annotate in ketchup.

Nude Grocery List

Write it out on a legal pad in the buff to lay bare your most craven desires.

Victorian Mourning Jewelry Family Weave Circle

Each present party cuts off enough front hair to form bangs, passes shorn tendrils to the person to their right, and the group proceeds to craft bracelets to remember one another when they’re gone

Kylie Jenner Challenge

My family’s been doing this for centuries.