My Rejected Pitches on the Last Day of Summer

Every other Tuesday, Gawker has a pitch meeting. It’s generally a horror show for me, due to the fact that I never have enough time to comb my eyebrows before we hop on Zoom, and because nobody EVER takes me seriously around here.

Oh, I’m some big joke to you all, even though I have a master’s degree in writing and went to Iceland in 2012 before it became bourgeois? My ideas are good, but because I’m low-key about my genius and because I’m a woman, I’ve never once had a pitch approved (basically). The fat cats in suits who run this site keep making me write about the Queen of England, and I barely even know who she is!

Here’s one example of the toxic hypocrisy and profound disrespect that sum up my pitch approval process: In November 2021, I pitched an article about hot fruit that got immediately shut down. It made it into my rejected Thanksgiving pitch round up. This is what I proposed:

• Hot fruit sucks! In pie form, particularly. I don’t want a sour dessert. I’m an American!

Well, well, well, wouldn’t you know? Just last week, Gawker ran an article called “No Hot Fruit,” written by a MAN (the lovely Nicholas Russell), and one who lives in Las Vegas, no less. I am using this as proof that Gawker — and especially the 11 women who work here — are sexist.

But I will not tolerate this crock of bullshit any longer. Writing to you from my nest of rebellion (a.k.a. I was allowed off the leash for once due to a slow news day immediately before a long weekend), here are some of my best rejected pitches on the last day of summer:

• Michael Vartan could’ve been Ryan Gosling if he’d tried harder.
• Someone should come out against Diane Keaton and be like, “Your clothes are too big.”
• I don’t relate to the “haha no worries if not!” memes that women love … does this make me a “Pick Me” Girl?
• Unlikely fashion icons: the girls in the Project Makeover ads.

• In this regressive age of casual reigning hegemony, the Dentist Office Core aesthetic is going to come back to millennial apartments which are thus far only clad in Dusen Dusen linens. [As an illustration, I linked to this very funny sign that uses a typeface similar to that of the artwork in my childhood dentist’s office in Oak Brook, Illinois. My dentist’s name was Dr. John, but my siblings and I called him Mr. John because we thought he didn’t deserve the respect of the title he had earned (he was annoying). My coworkers were not familiar with this school of art.]
• How is Just Jared of the eponymous JustJared.com doing in his second career as Joey King’s stylist, and does he regret giving over his namesake site to his brother?
• Lakes are trending, based on a hat company called “Lake Girl” I saw retailing at a bakery gift shop on a road trip to Chicago.
• Would there be an A24 without RiFFRaFF?
• Sofia Coppola was ahead of her time in making Bling Ring. We weren’t yet used to something so contemporary being handled so artfully as a viewing audience. She should do another take on a ripped from the headlines story, focusing either on Daddy Hat Girl, Andrew Cuomo and Sandra Lee’s split, or her own take on Theranos.
• We get into Formula 1 as a staff, and also, is hot people’s new focus on Formula 1 a psy-op? [I also offered to outsource this to a Formula 1-loving freelancer so I wouldn’t have to get into Formula 1 on my own time.]
• My Strange Addiction: Le Grand Aioli.
• With Ellen ending, how can we ensure that the Vans corporation will continue to make good on their pledge to provide free shoes for life to the Damn Daniel, Back At It Again With the White Vans boys like they promised?
• Using Dall-E Mini to catfish and impress guys (CatDalling), inspired by my highly successful Shrekfishing post. I typed “claire carusillo kissing brad pitt” into the algorithm and ran with it.

• Official investigation: Can I compost dog poop in New York City? [This one actually got approved, but when I reached out to the Department of Sanitation and got an answer, it didn’t make for a very interesting post. A rep for DSNY wrote to me, “While animal waste is technically compostable, it can create unsafe working conditions, and the DEC processing requirements are different to ensure that pathogens are treated properly. And when animal waste is composted, the finished compost is usually pelletized and then used for highway applications or other locations where people don’t come into close contact with the finished product – whereas our compost is usually used in parks and gardens.” Okay, tea.]
• How can I market my art (blogs) to children for profit? Has anyone, besides Jared (of Just Jared Jr., who I'm sure is willing to talk) successfully cast off their dream of fame and celebrity for adults to run a successful blog for children? And could I?
• The definitive takedown of overhead lighting from a feminist, psychological, and ecological POV.
• Theranos would have worked if Elizabeth Holmes had been given another year or two to work out the kinks!
• I have created the perfect grocery list for under $100, and yes, it does contain Worcestershire sauce.
• Once on a road trip my best friend and I listened to Tan France of Queer Eye’s audiobook Naturally Tan, and he claimed he invented the highwaisted bathing suit. This can’t be true, right?
• Not my story to tell, BUT the phrase “Friend of Dorothy” referring to a gay man sorely needs an update.
• Claritin is a psychiatric medicine: It puts your mind at ease.
• Searching personal essay about how I imbue my TSA-approved travel Ziploc with magic powers to keep the plane from crashing in 3.4 ounces or less, even though they’ve gotten pretty loose about checking that sort of thing on the security conveyor belt lately.

If anyone at Jezebel, Vulture, or Semafor is reading: please help! I am available to turn these well-researched and rock-solid mindgems into smash hits for your website.