How to Use the Social Media Outage to Your Advantage

Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp are all down due to some sort of tech something that I am not going to be the one to explain to you. I know you know this, because I can hear you screaming “oh no!” at your girlfriend while you’re crying and she can’t even breathe. Now you’re both screaming: “OUR APPS!!” But maybe try to calm down and take a breath. It’s possible that you could use this to your advantage, both now and for years to come. I’ll show you.

SITUATION:

Tonight you have to go to a “happy hour meet-up” with your coworkers so you can all “see each other’s faces in person again!” There isn’t going to be a company tab — if you want to buy something, you have to pay for it yourself. It is mandatory. You’ve been dreading it for weeks.

SOLUTION:

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry — I tried to get there, but I couldn’t find the bar. I feel like the outage fucked up Google Maps somehow? Like, is that even possible?? Did the outage like … make the bar disappear? I don’t know what happened, it’s so crazy!!”

SITUATION:

The person you’ve been seeing hasn’t responded to your last 13 text messages. You really like them, and maybe it’s just that their phone is broken?

SOLUTION:

“Hey again, lol, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I saw something was messed up with Instagram?? I know you’re on there, (I mean you know I know you’re on there, LOL), and anyway just wanted to check in to make sure you’re okay. Let me know so I’m not worried!!”

SITUATION:

You have to go to a bridal shower next month. It’s going to be not fun. You’re going to have to play a bridal shower game, and at the end the husband is going to show up and you’re going to have to clap for him. This is a familial obligation and there is no getting out of it.

SOLUTION:

You message your cousin’s wife on Facebook once it’s back: “Hey, just checking to make sure the bridal shower is still on!”

She responds: “Yep, still on!”

You respond a few days later: “Hey Sue, not sure if you got above message ^^. Just need to finalize travel plans.”

She responds: “Hey Jessica! Whoops, sorry don’t know what happened there. Yep, it’s still on!”

You respond a few days later: “Hey Sue, seems like maybe the shower is off? I guess I’ll cancel my bus ticket unless I hear from you.”

She responds: “OMG no Jessica, it’s still on! Let me have Brian call you.”

[Brian calls you.]

Brian: Hey Jess, yeah so the shower is still on.

You: Aw man, I already canceled my bus ticket and my pet sitter. I’m sorry! It must have been that outage or whatever, and that’s why if Sue sent me messages I missed them??

Brian: Oh yeah damn, I remember that.

You: Oh my god I’m SO annoyed!!!! I’m so sad!!!!!!! I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian: It’s okay …

You: No it’s not!!! I’m so sorry!!!!!!!!

Brian: Hey, Jess, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

You: Okay cool thanks.

And other things like that.