Hot Tip: Don't Open That Confederate Time Capsule

The worst kind of ghost WILL whoosh out

Haunted treasure,Vintage open wooden chest,Color dramatic look
Shut It

In an attempt to topple a pedestal in Richmond, VA that once held a statue of Confederate general Robert E. Lee, construction crews have hit an unexpected barrier: a time capsule from 1887 was found within. According to CNN, they’ve “been able to pry open most sides of the box” and stick a small camera inside, finding water and some paper. It’s thought to contain about 60 artifacts, undoubtedly all hardtack recipes written in miniscule, cursed handwriting with human blood.

Hey, excuse me, you hubris-laden Confederacy-obsessed false idol-worshiping freaks, can you not? Haven’t you heard of Pandora’s Box? I’m not expecting you to be able to read, but have you ever seen a movie? Or The Mummy? Or Se7en? Or a filmed theater adaptation of The Cask of Amontillado when there was a substitute teacher in 8th grade Language Arts? Or Hocus Pocus? The number one rule of finding a box, or a time capsule, or a book, or basically any object from before 1888, is that you DO NOT OPEN IT, LEST YOU BE HAUNTED.

Your whiskey-swilling greyback ancestors knew this much, and it looks like they’ve taken pains to bury this box forever.The time capsule buried in the pedestal was covered by 21 granite blocks, including some that weighed more than 8,000 pounds. Today, it’s taken a dozen men 12 hours to wrest these haint-abating blocks away from the capsule. Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam came and left.

You can’t unopen that box, but I’d encourage everyone involved to put down their chiseling tools and think about if they like their simple life, breathing, un-zombified, and free from any wild ideas about dinner glove length or phrenology. Maybe super glue could help.