"Hi, Baby!" Things on the Floor I Thought Were My Dog

He looks a lot like Spanx tights

Claire Carusillo
mutual respect

This is my dog, a beautiful, four-year-old Jindo-Akita mix named Mars. He’s as opaque as he is long, and I often call him Baby Jindo Bear or Mr. Elegant. We’ve been together just over three years, and he’s my best friend, even though I’m not his. He’s an intellectual who doesn’t really require friendship, as long as he has a place to lay comfortably so he can ideate, brainstorm, and plot his escape from his Mama, who is always kissing him when he’s busy thinking about the concepts of impermanence or Zionism or whatever.

Here he is in a few formations on the floor or couch, just for reference:

Also, while looking for photos of him just now laying long and twisty, I found this fairly blurry snap of him modeling a small hat that once belonged to a plastic honey bear against his will, which has nothing to do with the point I’m trying to illustrate, but is really quite a remarkable thing, and I’d like you to get a load of it:

Hahaha! My honey bear!!

It hurts that Mars doesn’t necessarily ask for my affections and sometimes when I say, “Hi, baby!!” to him, he doesn’t so much as perk up a single, solitary ear. Lucky for me though, I’m not that good at putting my clothes away after I’ve worn them, and I often think that random balls of leggings and sweaters on the floor are my baby. These are all the things I’ve said “Hi, baby!” to recently, mistaking them for Mars:

Spanx High Waisted Tight-End Tights (my favorite opaque tights that I’ve been wearing for years, but this is not a Consumerism Report, this an article about me saying “Hi, baby!” to dirty laundry on the floor).

Hi baby!

The Nodpod Weighted Sleep Mask, which is a just-OK product. It’s a weighted blanket for the eyes, but it’s a bit lumpy. I prefer the Dream Sleeper, which you can really strap on tight. This item is a LOT smaller than my 38 pound dog, but it was wishful thinking.

Hi, baby!

Some weird puffy blazer I got in the Madewell clearance racks a month or so ago during an emergency time where I was out and about in chilly weather, and I was more sad than I was cold, but I wanted to buy something, so I play-acted to myself like I was freezing:

Hi, baby!

Another pair of loose fit pants I bought off Instagram:

Hi, baby!

An imitation silk midi skirt and a pair of size 41 oiled nubuck leather Birkenstock London shoes. A real stretch. Not even one item, but three, on a welcome mat by my back door that I know the size and scale of. I got Lasik over a year ago so I can’t even be like, “Thought that was you, baby!”

Hi, baby!

This 40 pound bag of dog food I mistakenly bought online that arrived on Sunday that he’s afraid of:

Hi, baby!