Who (or What) Gave ‘Real Housewives’ Star Heather Gay a Black Eye?

On last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, viewers got an irritatingly small amount of insight into an event Bravo has been teasing all season: Heather Gay’s acquisition of a black eye.

Heather revealed her black eye the morning after she and the rest of the cast indulged in a day and night and early morning (until at least 5 a.m., when security footage showed the gals saying goodnight) of — if you can even believe it — heavy drinking. Upon waking, Heather called castmate and alleged felon Jen Shah into her room to discuss what to tell people about how she got the shiner, an event it was unclear whether she remembered.

Heather told Jen she didn’t want to say how she got the black eye because she didn’t "wanna get anyone in trouble.” Later, when talking to the rest of the group, she said, after being asked how she got the black eye, “We don’t know.” A beat later she said, "I think we all know what happened. I just think we don't wanna talk about it."

Her consistent vacillation between whether she did or did not know how she came to have a black eye prompted a producer to clarify, in a confessional segment, whether or not she remembered. "I didn't say I don't remember how it happened," she said. (She did say this at several points.) "I just said I'm not talking about it. It's first rule about fight club." (Okay.)

In another confessional, Heather further confused things. “That’s the game of all this, like … I’m not gonna say it until somebody else says it,” she said. “You know what I mean, like, I’m not gonna spew my theories until everybody spews theirs.” Theories???

Heather also didn’t wanna talk about it during the after show:

But we did get this insight: according to new cast member Danna, the last three people awake in the house were Jen, Heather, and Meredith Marks. Could either Jen or Meredith be the culprit?

“Either someone hit you, or you fell and hurt yourself,” cast member Lisa Barlow said during the after show. “I mean, what else is there? Am I missing something?” It’s a great question. Let’s go over the most likely options.

WHITNEY HIT HER

If you ask me, there is no way this happened (she’s on a hilling journey), but, given Heather and Whitney’s current feud, it’s certainly an option the show would like us to consider.

JEN HIT HER

This seems a bit likelier. Given Heather’s “ride or die” friendship status with Jen, it tracks that she would want to cover for her in the lead-up to her fraud trial, had Jen “jokingly” punched her in the eye. Careful making this claim, though — Jen may call you an insurrectionist.

HEATHER INVITED SOMEONE OVER AND THEY HIT HER

In the after show, Lisa Barlow recalls asking Heather whether she’d “swiped right” on anyone that night, and whether they could have been the person who assaulted her. Heather said no. I hope that’s true … jesus.

SHE FELL DOWN BECAUSE SHE WAS COMPLETELY WASTED AND NOW SHE’S EMBARRASSED AND EITHER DOESN’T WANT TO ADMIT IT OR TRULY DOES NOT REMEMBER IT HAPPENING

I suspect and hope it’s this one.

SHE PUNCHED HERSELF IN THE EYE BECAUSE SHE KNEW IT WOULD GET HER ATTENTION DURING THE SEASON AND SHE HAS A BOOK TO PROMOTE

And which first-time authors among us could blame her for that??

Who or whatever the culprit is, it frustratingly seems like we might never know. And for that, we will blame Andy Cohen — forever.