Everyone in Monaco Is a Drama Queen

Today in news from across the Atlantic that sounds like a bedtime story you’d tell to a five-year-old on baby Benadryl, Her Serene Highness Princess Charlene of Monaco has returned to Prince Albert of Monaco and their two children after a ten-month respite in her native South Africa.

The party line of the palace is Princess Charlene, a woman who hates her husband so much that she cried throughout her entire royal wedding, has spent the better part of a year suffering from an inner ear condition that made it impossible for her to fly back to her kingdom safely. Sounds a bit like Havana Syndrome.

The Daily Mail points out that in a photo Charlene shared to Instagram, “the mother-of-two can be seen posing for a family photograph as she places her hand around her husband Prince Albert's neck.” That’s a bit of a misleading statement – she’s not choking him – but those who follow royal scandals have a lot of time on their hands as they wait for the queen to die, and this bizarre story has the potential to be a juicy one. What was she doing there? Why is she looking so frail? I contend she was taking that time to orchestrate a Princess Switch 3. But I’m a bit of a fabulist, plus I have no real respect for the divine right of kings and queens or Old Hollywood (Grace Kelly is Albert’s mother), especially when their scions are squirmy little wormies like Prince Albert with concealed children scattered across his play country for millionaires.

Unfortunately, nobody looks good in this story, not even Her Serene Highness. Last week, Albert reportedly was “furious” with Nicole Coste, mother of his son Alexandre, 18, after she gave an interview badmouthing Charlene in quite a French fashion.

“During the engagement period [of Albert and Charlene in 2010], I experienced things that alerted and shocked me,” Coste told Paris Match and reported in English by the Mail. “For example, she changed my son's room, taking advantage of his father's absence to move him to the employee wing. As a mother, I cannot find words to describe these actions.”

Shortly before Princess Charlene left Monaco for South Africa last year, Albert was hit with another paternity suit regarding the birth of a daughter in 2005 (He also fathered a daughter named Jazmin, born in 1992). According to the palace, this coincidental timing has nothing to do with the child.

I wish this modern family happy divorce proceedings and, of course, a well-funded cure to chronic ear infections, maybe in the form of a well-attended charity polo match.